Gwen's Story of Spousal Abuse

I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years. To this day it still affects me.

At first it started out, I was very young; my husband, now my ex-husband, he wanted to know everything I did, everybody I talked to, where I went, what I wore, everything. At first it was very flattering. It was emotional abuse at first, but I saw it as flattering. There was somebody that cared for me so much, to care about every little thing that I did.

And then, it soon turned into an obsession and incredible possessiveness. I couldn’t go anywhere, do anything, or say anything. I was always wrong. It got to the point where he would follow me, he would question me. If the boy sacking my groceries at the grocery store said something to me, he took that as a come-on to me, but it was my fault.

I was accused of flirting with everybody, having relations with friends, with family members, and I soon realized that it was his insecurity that did this. But I stayed, because I loved him. I loved him so much, and I wanted him to change. That’s all I wanted. We had children. I wanted him to change for me, for my children, and for himself.

This went on, the emotional abuse. You can’t even begin to realize what emotional abuse does to a person. You have no scars. You have no bruises. You have nothing to show for it. But you’re totally humiliated, you feel worthless, you cannot do anything right, and you’re afraid to move.

So, this became physical abuse. I don’t know what triggered that. Still, to this day I don’t know, and I still try to figure that out. And the physical abuse, there wasn’t really any pattern to it. I could be walking across the floor, and find myself up against the wall in a choke hold. I remember one night; I was sitting writing a letter to a friend. I didn’t like what I wrote, I tore the sheet of paper up and I wadded it up and I tossed it on the couch. I got beat up for that.

I got beat up for not doing things right, for not saying things right, and yet I stayed. I stayed because I loved him. Because I wanted him to change. But I also felt like it was my fault. He made me believe it was my fault. I did something to deserve everything that I got. And I stayed for 15 years.

He started going after the kids. I stepped in front; I would rather take the beating, than have my kids take the beating. But at the same time they were being beat up mentally and emotionally as well. They saw their mom; they were too young to do anything about it. My daughter who was two years old at the time, spent many a night, outside of my bedroom door crying, begging, please mom, come out, please, please come out. I would be held there for sometimes over an hour for punishment, for what, I don’t know, I don’t think he even knew.

He went after my son. He was in the process of throwing him down the stairs. I stepped in. I got the kids situated, and I got the beating of my life. It lasted about three hours. I was basically held hostage in my bedroom. I could not get up. I could not move. I could not say anything. At that point I knew I had to do something.
I did not have a job, I didn’t work, I didn’t have money. This was the scariest time in my whole entire life. I didn’t want to leave. Did not want to leave. But I knew that I had to, for my children. More so for them, than for me.

I went to counseling; he did agree to go with me. When we met with the counselor, he said, ‘oh, there’s no problem, she’s making it all up.’ I pulled up my sleeves and I showed them my bruises, and at that time they separated us. I was scared. I thought I was going to get a beating for that, because I would be accused of doing something wrong.

He didn’t continue to go to counseling. I did. And through counseling I realized a lot of things. One of the things I realized was the effect on children. When they told me, ‘your son will grow up to abuse women, and your daughter will grow up to find a man who abuses her; because that is all they know. I knew then, that I had to leave.”

More: There is more to Gwen's story, and many other DV survivors, that can be found on the DVD entitled, “A Course Correction for Life”.

What Can I Do To Be Safe from Domestic Violence?

Call the police!

If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, you can call 911 or your local police. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.

Consider the following:
* If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
* They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
* They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
* They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.
* When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
* If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.
* If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.
* The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
* The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
* Get the officers' names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
* A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.

Get Support From Friends and Family

Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has happened.

Find a Safe Place

It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.

Get Medical Help

If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support. You may ask medical staff to call one for you. Medical records can be important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.

Special Medical Concerns
* Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.
* What seems like a small injury could be a big one.
* If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
* Domestic violence victims can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
* Memory loss
* Dizziness
* Problems with eyesight
* Throwing-up
* Headache that will not go away

Get a Personal Protection Order

See Personal Protection Order.

Make a Safety Plan

Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. See Personalized Safety Plan.

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The Definition of Domestic Violence

To even attempt to survive domestic abuse, we must first know what domestic abuse is. This definition helps us to understand exactly what domestic abuse is, as well as helps us to understand that domestic violence often occurs in many forms.

"Domestic violence (also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, or intimate partner violence) occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, or spousal abuse but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures; people of all races, ethnicity's, religions, sexes and classes can be perpetrators of domestic violence. Domestic violence is perpetrated by both men and women.

Domestic violence has many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation, and threats of violence. Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence. There are a number of dimensions including:

Mode: physical, psychological, sexual and/or social.

Frequency: on/off, occasional and chronic.

Severity: in terms of both psychological or physical harm and the need for treatment.

Transitory or permanent injury: mild, moderate, severe and up to homicide.

An important component of domestic violence, often ignored is the realm of passive abuse, leading to violence. Passive abuse is covert, subtle and veiled. This includes victimization, procrastination, forgetfulness, ambiguity, neglect, spiritual and intellectual abuse.

Recent attention to domestic violence began in the women's movement, particularly feminism and women's rights, in the 1970s, as concern about wives being beaten by their husbands gained attention. Awareness and documentation of domestic violence differs from country to country. Estimates are that only about a third of cases of domestic violence are actually reported in the United States and the United Kingdom. According to the Centers for Disease Control, domestic violence is a serious, preventable public health problem affecting more than 32 million Americans, or more than 10% of the U.S. population.

Popular emphasis has tended to be on women as the victims of domestic violence. However, with the rise of the men's movement, and particularly masculism and men's rights, there is now advocacy for men victimized by women. In a special report on violence related injuries by the US Department of justice (in August 1997) hospital emergency room visits pertaining to domestic violence indicated that physically abused men represent just under one-sixth of the total patients admitted to hospital reporting domestic violence as the cause of their injuries (see table 7 of this report).

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DVD: A Course Correction for Life...

If you have ever been a victim of violence, or know someone who has, you know that they frequently blame themselves. Their lives are forever colored with the thoughts of being a victim and struggling to overcome that image.

You are not alone! You can stop being a victim! You can begin the healing process and take control of your lives now!

Watch, and listen to victims and also professional people in the community talk about their personal experiences with this problem, and learn how you can overcome it.

We have drawn together victims of Family Violence, also professional people such as, a County Coroner, victim advocates, etc, that either have personal or close vicarious experience with the problems and disastrous results of violence. These people speak at “Victim Impact Panel” presentations to live audiences of people involved with Domestic Violence. Each of these panel members tells their own personal story of their sufferings and how they overcame them.

For a sample of what the Coroner has to say, click here.

For a sample of what Gwen has to say, click here.

This panel experience is now available on DVD. One hour and forty minutes of pure emotions, tears, some graphic images, and solutions, stories, experiences, ideas, suggestions, and insights… all that will help you and/or your friends begin the healing process, and help you find a new and better life.

This is a powerful emotional experience... it changes lives! If you have ever been a victim… or know someone who has, please, do yourself (and/or a friend) a favor and order this DVD now!

"A Course Correction for Life"

Quantity

1 DVD $19.95 2 DVDs ($17.48 each) $34.96 3 DVDs ($16.32 each) $48.96 4 DVDs ($14.95 each) $59.80

Welcome!

One of the best resources that survivors of abuse have, are other survivors. You are not alone in the world. The best way to let your abuser win is to let them destroy your life by keeping all of the poison trapped inside. If you will communicate with others about your experiences, and listen to theirs, then you will be able to achieve a better life and obtain peace.

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