Gwen's Story of Spousal Abuse

I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years. To this day it still affects me.

At first it started out, I was very young; my husband, now my ex-husband, he wanted to know everything I did, everybody I talked to, where I went, what I wore, everything. At first it was very flattering. It was emotional abuse at first, but I saw it as flattering. There was somebody that cared for me so much, to care about every little thing that I did.

And then, it soon turned into an obsession and incredible possessiveness. I couldn’t go anywhere, do anything, or say anything. I was always wrong. It got to the point where he would follow me, he would question me. If the boy sacking my groceries at the grocery store said something to me, he took that as a come-on to me, but it was my fault.

I was accused of flirting with everybody, having relations with friends, with family members, and I soon realized that it was his insecurity that did this. But I stayed, because I loved him. I loved him so much, and I wanted him to change. That’s all I wanted. We had children. I wanted him to change for me, for my children, and for himself.

This went on, the emotional abuse. You can’t even begin to realize what emotional abuse does to a person. You have no scars. You have no bruises. You have nothing to show for it. But you’re totally humiliated, you feel worthless, you cannot do anything right, and you’re afraid to move.

So, this became physical abuse. I don’t know what triggered that. Still, to this day I don’t know, and I still try to figure that out. And the physical abuse, there wasn’t really any pattern to it. I could be walking across the floor, and find myself up against the wall in a choke hold. I remember one night; I was sitting writing a letter to a friend. I didn’t like what I wrote, I tore the sheet of paper up and I wadded it up and I tossed it on the couch. I got beat up for that.

I got beat up for not doing things right, for not saying things right, and yet I stayed. I stayed because I loved him. Because I wanted him to change. But I also felt like it was my fault. He made me believe it was my fault. I did something to deserve everything that I got. And I stayed for 15 years.

He started going after the kids. I stepped in front; I would rather take the beating, than have my kids take the beating. But at the same time they were being beat up mentally and emotionally as well. They saw their mom; they were too young to do anything about it. My daughter who was two years old at the time, spent many a night, outside of my bedroom door crying, begging, please mom, come out, please, please come out. I would be held there for sometimes over an hour for punishment, for what, I don’t know, I don’t think he even knew.

He went after my son. He was in the process of throwing him down the stairs. I stepped in. I got the kids situated, and I got the beating of my life. It lasted about three hours. I was basically held hostage in my bedroom. I could not get up. I could not move. I could not say anything. At that point I knew I had to do something.
I did not have a job, I didn’t work, I didn’t have money. This was the scariest time in my whole entire life. I didn’t want to leave. Did not want to leave. But I knew that I had to, for my children. More so for them, than for me.

I went to counseling; he did agree to go with me. When we met with the counselor, he said, ‘oh, there’s no problem, she’s making it all up.’ I pulled up my sleeves and I showed them my bruises, and at that time they separated us. I was scared. I thought I was going to get a beating for that, because I would be accused of doing something wrong.

He didn’t continue to go to counseling. I did. And through counseling I realized a lot of things. One of the things I realized was the effect on children. When they told me, ‘your son will grow up to abuse women, and your daughter will grow up to find a man who abuses her; because that is all they know. I knew then, that I had to leave.”

More: There is more to Gwen's story, and many other DV survivors, that can be found on the DVD entitled, “A Course Correction for Life”.