Current Efforts and Some Encouragement

This is an update on our ongoing efforts to provide the visitors to this site with pertinent and helpful information so as to support and reinforce the efforts of many of you to stop being a victim and instead, evolve into survivors of Domestic Violence.

Since beginning this site, we have literally reviewed hundreds of web sites on the topic of Domestic Violence. We have done this for two reasons: 1. to bring you the most current information, ideas, and experiences of others that might be in your situation, so that you can find this site to be an on-going source of inspiration as you go through the healing process, and 2. to "prime the pump" so to speak, in an effort to encourage you to communicate with one another and begin an on-going dialog of your experiences and feelings, in an effort to help one another heal.

As we look at, and review the available websites, we find that these take the approach of providing data and statistics, or they give a basic information, such as defining DV or telling us how to recognize it, or what steps to take when we encounter it. There are lots of sites that are "hot lines" that give us many links for help. There are lots of sites that are oriented to their local area and which offer help, shelter, etc., in that local area. These are all well intentioned, good, important, and helpful sites. And in addition, there's lots of horror stories to read. But after awhile one gets tired of reading the same things over and over again.

We will continue to fulfill our stated goal of trying to identify and bring you the very best of these sites so that you can be guided to this type of help without having to spend days and weeks sorting through the thousands of sites available.

This site however, is unique, in that it is the only one we have seen that is trying to be a place where all of you can come with the sole purpose of communicating with one another, and thereby providing each other with the support, encouragement, understanding, ideas, etc., that can only come from those that, "have been there", or are "currently there".

There is real power in victims and survivors communicating with one another. There is healing that can and will take place in no other way. JTS cannot do this for you. I haven't been where you are, or have been. You must be willing to share with one another. Tell us your stories, make comments to others, ask questions and read the answers.

We hope you will forgive the periods of time that goes by between posts. We are doing our best to find and give you links to worthwhile sites and information. Our hope is that you will catch the vision of this site and begin to talk to one another on a regular and frequent basis with your comments to each individual post, or by using the open forum located at the top of the right hand column and just communicate in general, ask questions and react to whatever is going on in your lives. Then read what others have to say and consider the advise they may have for you.

Again, we hope this site will be of value to you in your quest to either help yourself, help others, or both. Also, any suggestions you have for us are always welcome.

JTS

Perpetrators Comments to a Victim Impact Panel Experience

I was very impressed with all who spoke tonight. I felt inspired to choose to control my anger and react in a better way for everyone in my life. - Gregg

This class was a wonderful and great experience. I learned a lot from others stories. Especially that I have children... I'll put my deep effort to avoid any kind of incident in the future. - Maohmmd

I really got more out of this experience than I expected. I would like to thank you for the chance to hear from others what quick choices and anger unabated has changed their lives. - Brian

This experience was realy painful, emotional. It realy hurt me cuz I went through bad times also & I feel bad for the victims here. It was a realy good experience. It made me think twice about what I do. I'm glad I got sent here from the Judge. It realy made me open my eyes alot & about what I & my spouse went through. People need to hear what other people went through & they need to know what could happen. - Sonya

It really opened my eye's. I will not lose control and will remove myself before it would happen. - Kenneth

This was a very good experience. It is surprising to see how common of a thing that this is. Domestic Violence is a very horrible thing. - Randy

It makes you aware of how serious Domestic Violence can get! So you might stop and think of what your actions can lead to! - Danielle

Domestic Violence - All Because of Drinking Alcohol and Being Stupid

Jim the Coroner explains:

"He’s drinking, continually drinking; the baby’s in the next room crying. He starts yelling at the mother, ‘you’ve got to do something with that kid, to shut the kid up.’ Remember, he’s getting stupid and he’s short fused because he’s been drinking so much. He drinks more, the kid’s crying. He finally tells the ‘ol lady, ‘I’m going in and get that kid to quit crying.’ The baby quits crying. The baby is either beaten or shaken to death.”

More: There is more to this case, and many other stories that can be found on the DVD entitled, “A Course Correction for Life”.

Domestic Violence: Are You Being Abused?

Women with a history of family violence, sexual assault or incest, or physical abuse from a male partner are at increased risk of being in an abusive relationship. Disagreements and arguments, even heated ones, are part of a normal relationship. Physical violence or other abusive behavior is not. Everyone has a right to get angry. But no one has the right to express anger violently, to hurt you.

Does your partner ever frighten you with threats of violence or by throwing things when he is angry? Say it is your fault if he hits you? Promise it will not happen again, but it does? Put you down in public or keep you from contacting family or friends? Force you to have sex when you do not want to?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be involved in an abusive relationship. If so, you are not alone and you have choices. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

To read the entire article, click here.

Domestic Violence and its Effect on Children

How does domestic violence affect children?

Children are traumatized by witnessing violence in their family. The children in these homes are at high risk of being battered themselves by either the batterer or the victim. In addition, the long-term effects of witnessing such violence can create a cycle of violence that spans generations. We know that many men who are abusive witnessed their mothers being abused and many were victims of physical abuse themselves. We also know that women who come from a family in which they witnessed their mother being battered are more susceptible to developing what is called "battered women's syndrome." Such women may come to believe there is nothing they can do to get out of an abusive relationship. Both men and women who come from abusive homes may come to view the violence they have witnessed as normal, and carry it into their own relationships as adults.

To read the entire article, click here.

"I Want to Share My History"

My name is Agustina and I want to share my history.

I came from a humble family. They taught us about right and wrong very well, but we were very sheltered from what the real world was. I’m the 5th of 13 brothers and sisters I was used to being told what to do and what not to do. I got married at the age of 18, and of course being very naïve I gave control of my life to my husband. Since the beginning it was verbal diminishing and lots of disapproval of the things I did. No matter what I did it was not good enough.

I got pregnant right away. Because I did not have a baby girl he didn’t like that I had a boy. I loved him very much, but he didn’t. I felt totally a failure, how come he isn't happy to have a son? As far as I know every man would be excited to have a son, but not this man. I struggled with this, and 3 years later I had a daughter. He was very happy, that’s what I thought. Then I got pregnant again and it was another daughter. But this time he was not happy at all. He often said I don’t care about those two, I only love my first daughter. He was doing things to her that did not feel normal to me. He loved to touch her in her private areas, as well as my son, but my son always got upset and said, "I don’t like him touching me". My husband argued that I was going to make the baby gay and he also gave him alcohol and of course the baby cried. So I was constantly fighting with him about those things, and his reply was, ho! "It's because you are ignorant and from a village you do not know anything".

I worked in my own home. We had our own business. We had a little factory with 22 industrial machines and we did pants, than was our specialty, and we where good at it. I knew how to do a complete pair of pants, but in his eyes I didn't know anything. The sad thing was that I believed him. I felt that a piece of trash in the street was worth more than I was.

I got to the point of frustration and desperation, such that I considered taking my life, and the only thing that stopped me was my children. I could not trust him with them, so I felt I needed to leave, for them. One day I made a decision to leave him because I could not take it anymore. I did not feel strong enough to stay close by, so I went to the village from where I came. I went to talk with my father and he told me that if I really want to leave, go to USA. "Here in the Rancho there is nothing for you to do. How are you going to support your children?"

The rest is history. My father helped me with the money, with only one condition, that I will tell my husband about what I was going to do. I did, but he just laughed. He did not believe that I had the will to do anything and I did not have the confidence either. But my desperation was bigger. He warned me that he was not going to take me back, so he said, "think twice". I did not think. I only left. I don't regret it.

The thing that I struggle with to this day is my low self-esteem. This is something that no matter what, is a struggle. I'm 50 years old and much of my unhappiness and disappointments are because of the strong abuse that I accepted like that was the truth. It has affected me in many areas of my life. I’m married again but I’m not happy because I have not accomplish the things that I wanted to do. I have many issues that I still need to work on.

My recommendation to all of you is get help. The sooner the better. A lot of things could have been solved, if only someone would have told me there is a better way. I would certainly recommend the program. Get help! There is a way. - Agustina

"My Life with Domestic Violence"

Here is my story. I hope it helps other victims. I am very honored to do this.

Hello my name is Adriana and I have been a victim of Domestic Violence several times. Here’s my story.

It all started when I met Ronald, I lived with roommates while me and Ronald were dating. He moved in with me and things were good till one day when I got home from work. Ronald was upset about something and would not talk to me, he yelled at me and when I would yell at him, he would slap me in the face or arm. When I tried to run he would slam me against a wall with his hand around my neck.

All I could think was that he was going to kill me so I begged him to stop; he let go of me and left. We talked and he said he wouldn’t do it again. I believed him. A couple months went by and the hitting started up again, so I decided the only way to get him to stop was call the police. He would get arrested and blame me that is my fault time after time. Ronald would get released and he would tell me that he would change, I believed him. A month would go by and then the hitting would start again. I tried so hard to just keep the hitting and punishing to myself without the police but I was told he would keep doing it if I didn’t stop it.

The very last time that Ronald hit me, I called the police and he was taken to jail, he got sentenced to 6 months in jail with a No Contact Order. So there was no way for us to talk. So I went on believing that it was my fault he was in jail and that I should have never called the police.

My roommate beat me violently. I thought my world was over and I got depressed and blamed myself for being beat and I believed that I deserved it.

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant; I went to the judge and asked for him to release the no contact order. The Judge said that Ronald needed to learn his lesson that hitting and beating me wasn’t going to happen ever again, that I needed to look out for the safety of me and my child.

I lost my apartment and moved in with Ronald’s parents. Through the whole pregnancy Ronald was in jail and the judge would not release him. Ronald got out four weeks after our daughter was born and seemed to have changed. We talked and it came to the point that Ronald wasn’t taking his medication and that he had anger issues. He said that he was sorry and I said that I could not forgive him; he had to prove to me that he has changed. We got married on August 25, 2007.

Ever since Ronald got released from jail, Ronald has changed so much. He has taken the Victim’s Impact Panel; he went to counseling and is taking his medication on a regular basis. He has not raised his hand or his voice at me or any one else. Ronald is calmer now; he has been able to channel his anger to drawing or going for walks or talking with someone. Our relationship is much stronger and we are able to deal with life’s hard ships.

We have grown to trust each other and I know that I will never have to be a victim of Domestic violence again. The Victim’s Impact Panel has helped Ronald with recognizing what he did in the past and what he can do differently and has inspired him to talk to others to try and help them. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. You have helped Ronald and us in every way, now we would like to help.

There is always someone to help when it comes to Domestic Violence please don’t be afraid to get help if you are the abuser or the victim, get help!!! It will help in the long run!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Adriana

One of the Best Resources for Survivors

One of the best resources that abuse survivors have are other survivors. You are not alone in the world. The best way to let your abuser win is let them destroy your life by keeping all of the poison trapped inside. If you will talk with others about your experiences and listen to theirs, then you will be able to achieve a better life and obtain peace. -Ammon

Survivor's Stories Shocking

I listened to some survivors tonight, and their stories were shocking and very real. After many years of abuse, the victims seemed to have a considerable amount of emotional and/or mental scarring as a result of past experiences with being abused by their spouses. Even after several years had gone by, they still had a very clear picture of what they went through and how it may affect them for the remainder of their lives. Getting away from the situation seems to somewhat dull the pain and agony but being abused is probably something they will never forget. The cycle of abuse goes on and on for many years without being noticed by anyone outside of the home unless the victim seeks help from police or other agencies within the community. these women describe that the abuser makes them feel betrayed, manipulated, and under total control of their spouse. The victims are often isolated within their homes and not able to leave or have any form of contact with society. The victims describe that the bruises can heal but their soul does not. Many factors can trigger the abuse and cause the abuser to become violent and outraged enough to use deadly force, raise their voice, and even use weapons to inflict pain onto the victim. Anyone can be involved in abusive relationships, whether they come from a wealthy or poor background. Violence has no prejudices. It can happen to men. It can happen to women. Violence can happen to anyone. - Justin