"I Want to Share My History"

My name is Agustina and I want to share my history.

I came from a humble family. They taught us about right and wrong very well, but we were very sheltered from what the real world was. I’m the 5th of 13 brothers and sisters I was used to being told what to do and what not to do. I got married at the age of 18, and of course being very naïve I gave control of my life to my husband. Since the beginning it was verbal diminishing and lots of disapproval of the things I did. No matter what I did it was not good enough.

I got pregnant right away. Because I did not have a baby girl he didn’t like that I had a boy. I loved him very much, but he didn’t. I felt totally a failure, how come he isn't happy to have a son? As far as I know every man would be excited to have a son, but not this man. I struggled with this, and 3 years later I had a daughter. He was very happy, that’s what I thought. Then I got pregnant again and it was another daughter. But this time he was not happy at all. He often said I don’t care about those two, I only love my first daughter. He was doing things to her that did not feel normal to me. He loved to touch her in her private areas, as well as my son, but my son always got upset and said, "I don’t like him touching me". My husband argued that I was going to make the baby gay and he also gave him alcohol and of course the baby cried. So I was constantly fighting with him about those things, and his reply was, ho! "It's because you are ignorant and from a village you do not know anything".

I worked in my own home. We had our own business. We had a little factory with 22 industrial machines and we did pants, than was our specialty, and we where good at it. I knew how to do a complete pair of pants, but in his eyes I didn't know anything. The sad thing was that I believed him. I felt that a piece of trash in the street was worth more than I was.

I got to the point of frustration and desperation, such that I considered taking my life, and the only thing that stopped me was my children. I could not trust him with them, so I felt I needed to leave, for them. One day I made a decision to leave him because I could not take it anymore. I did not feel strong enough to stay close by, so I went to the village from where I came. I went to talk with my father and he told me that if I really want to leave, go to USA. "Here in the Rancho there is nothing for you to do. How are you going to support your children?"

The rest is history. My father helped me with the money, with only one condition, that I will tell my husband about what I was going to do. I did, but he just laughed. He did not believe that I had the will to do anything and I did not have the confidence either. But my desperation was bigger. He warned me that he was not going to take me back, so he said, "think twice". I did not think. I only left. I don't regret it.

The thing that I struggle with to this day is my low self-esteem. This is something that no matter what, is a struggle. I'm 50 years old and much of my unhappiness and disappointments are because of the strong abuse that I accepted like that was the truth. It has affected me in many areas of my life. I’m married again but I’m not happy because I have not accomplish the things that I wanted to do. I have many issues that I still need to work on.

My recommendation to all of you is get help. The sooner the better. A lot of things could have been solved, if only someone would have told me there is a better way. I would certainly recommend the program. Get help! There is a way. - Agustina