Survivors of Domestic Violence

Survivors of Abuse

If you've ever been screamed at, humiliated, hit—or know someone who has—you're not alone. Every year, 1 out of every 4 women in America is abused by her partner.

When Susan married her longtime boyfriend, Ulner, in 1989, she never imagined that she'd be included in that statistic. They dated for years before walking down the aisle, and although she says Ulner was overprotective and controlling at times, she says she believed he was the love of her life.

Once they were married, she says things began to escalate at home. Susan says her husband abused her verbally and psychologically nearly every day of their marriage…even when their three children were present. Often, Susan says Ulner made audio recordings of his tirades so that he could listen to them later...

One Sunday afternoon in 2003, Susan says her husband became enraged when she asked him if she could fix him a sandwich for lunch. He went in search of his audio recorder to tape his verbal assault. When he couldn't find it, Susan says he chose the next best thing—a video camera.

Ulner ordered his oldest son, who was 13 years old at the time, to record his tirade. What resulted was 51 minutes of horrifying footage. Susan says her oldest son operated the camera, while her 8-year-old son sat in the room, watching the abuse unfold.

During the first 40 minutes of the video, Ulner screams insults at his wife of 14 years and threatens her with physical violence.

"You play those stupid games with me, I'll knock your teeth out of your face. … I'm going to knock your head across that wall," he tells Susan as their sons look on.

At first, Susan stands silently in the room with her head bowed. Looking back, she says she was trying to come up with a way to calm her husband down. "My mind was racing to find the right answer—to find the answer that was going to make him happy for that second, to appease him so he wouldn't start hitting," she says.

Nothing she says works. Ulner punches, kicks and slaps his wife repeatedly during the final 10 minutes of the video. As he throws her around the room, he demands Susan's obedience. "You've been taught what to say to me, heifer," he says. "You follow what I say to the T."

In all, he calls her "stupid" 23 times and "heifer" 28 times in less than an hour...

The same day the video was shot, Susan made a fateful decision. As she was sitting in a room with her oldest son, her husband gestured toward her. "He looked at my son and he said, 'You see, that. That's the road you're headed down if you don't straighten up,'" Susan says.

With that comment, she says she came to the realization that Ulner could possibly end up killing her. So Susan made the decision to leave...

As Susan fled with her sons, Ulner called her repeatedly, trying to track her down. Police recorded the phone calls to document his violent threats. In one he screamed at her, "If you don't bring my son home, I'm going to kill you, heifer."

After years of abusing his wife, Ulner was finally arrested. At trial, Ulner's behavior shocked the prosecutor, Lisa Bloch Rodwin. "I've never seen such arrogance," she says. "He was making eye contact with the female jurors and trying to look like he was king of the world and that he could control them the way he controlled everybody else. … When he was interviewed by the probation department, he blamed Susan for putting him in this position. But the judge said to him, 'You still don't get it. You have destroyed these children. You have destroyed this woman.'"

In her closing arguments, Lisa played the videotape for the jury one more time. "What I said to the jury is, 'He keeps saying, I have to teach you.' And I asked the jury to teach him."

They did, finding Ulner guilty of 12 counts of assault and two counts of endangering the welfare of a child. The judge sentenced him to 36 years in prison—reportedly the longest sentence ever given for this kind of domestic violence. He's not eligible for parole until 2022...

Abuse comes in many forms—yet it does not have to be as physically violent as this videotape to still be destructive. Sometimes the abuse is emotional control and isolation from family and friends. Other times, it consists of name-calling and humiliation, economic control or threats of violence.

Recognizing the signs of abuse—especially in instances where physical violence is not involved—is not easy, sometimes even for those being abused. Learn the signs of domestic abuse.

If you think you or someone you know is being abused, it's important to tell someone before it's too late.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE to find help in your area.

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Suspect Abuse? How You Can Help.

The only way to know for sure if someone you know is being abused is to ask. One of the common myths about battered women is that they don't want to talk about their victimization. While many do make efforts to hide the battering, they often do so because they fear being embarrassed, their partner finding out, being blamed, not being believed, or being pressured to do something they're not ready or able to do.

What you should do:

Believe her.
And let her know that you do. If you know her partner, remember that batterers most often behave differently in public than they do in private.

Listen to what she tells you.
If you actively listen, ask clarifying questions and avoid making judgments and giving advice. You will most likely learn directly from her what it is she needs.

Build on her strengths.
Actively identify the ways in which she has developed coping strategies, solved problems and exhibited courage and determination, even if her efforts have not been completely successful. Help her to build on these strengths.

Validate her feelings.
It is common for women to have conflicting feelings—love and fear; guilt and anger; hope and sadness. Let her know that her feelings are normal and reasonable.

Avoid victim-blaming.
Tell her that the abuse is not her fault. Reinforce that the abuse is her partner's problem and his responsibility. However, refrain from "bad-mouthing" him.

Take her fears seriously.
If you are concerned about her safety, express your concern without judgment. Simply say, "Your situation sounds dangerous and I'm concerned about your safety."

Offer help.
When it's appropriate, offer specific forms of help and information. If she asks you to do something you're willing and able to do, do it. If you can't or don't want to, say so and help her identify other ways to have that need met.

Be an active, creative partner in her safety-planning effort.
The key to planning is to take the problem, consider the full range of available options, evaluate the risks and benefits of different options, and identify ways to reduce the risks.

Support her decisions.
Remember that there are risks attached to every decision a battered woman makes. If you truly want to be helpful, be patient and respectful of her decisions.

What you should not do:

If you think a woman you know is being abused, don't wait for her to come to you. If she does confide in you, don't judge or blame her or her decisions—even if you don't agree with them. Don't pressure her into acting if she's not ready. Don't offer advice if it's not appropriate, and don't put conditions on your support of her.

*Information from the New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, www.opdv.state.ny.us. Copyright © NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence.

Abuser Reactions after a DV "Victim Impact Panel"

1. I kind of knew what to expect upon coming to this panel but I didn't realize how it would effect me. My offense may have been the start of abuse. None-the-less I saw the correlation. I will make the choice to not only refrain from being physical but also by avoiding "vengeance" or "getting even". - Eric

2. It has been very helpful. I really feel bad for some of the speakers, especially the 2 ladies. It must be difficult for them to have the courage and strength to talk about their experiences in public and I really appreciate their time here with us tonight. It makes me want to cry, just the fact that my wife had to deal with this and that I couldn't stop myself from yelling at here. Now I can see the consequences this can have down the road if I don't learn to control the way I react when I'm mad. Thank you for this class. I vow to be a loving and giving husband and Dad. No yelling anymore. - Carlos

3. At first it was strange. But seeing the Chief Coroner, boy that was something to think about. - Luis

4. All the stories help put a lot of things in perspective. Hearing the changes people have made helps me to believe everybody can change. Having zero tolerance for abuse. Not putting myself in a vulnerable position where I may abuse anybody. - Ralph

5. It's really an eye opener. As everyone was speaking I looked around & even the Hard-Asses in the room were in awe. I think that was really brave & at the same time hard for the speakers. I learned respect for all of them. Get professional help. I don't want to hurt anyone in anger, let alone someone innocent. - Kevin

6. I feel like I've been quenched of my thirst for anger. I never thought listening could show me who I was. Read. Keep myself from repeating my problem. - Joey

7. Overall I would say the experience was very interesting as a whole. It was an intense presentation that really touched multiple points in Domestic Violence incidents. I feel that Domestic Violence is a shocking thing when you really look at many of the things that happen. I will remove myself from situations that may be triggers. I will try to be more empathetic. I will put the things that I truly value in life before anything else. - Matthew

8. I am here for a DUI. However, being a prior victim of Domestic Violence for 5 years, it was an awesome experience. Never get into a vehicle after drinking and never drink more than two alcoholic beverages. - Tiffany

9. Me & my girlfriend were fighting cause of something stupid & I got mad & I hit her. Then I hit her again. Then I went to jail for 6 months. I wish it never happened. Walking away from her when we fight about stupid stuff. - Ron

10. Very moved. I could relate to one of the speakers' stories very well. I realize now that even the smallest incidents of violence can escalate. Now that I am recovering from alcohol abuse, it would be a privilege for me to share my story at a VIP. I believe if there are more of these panel classes, the violent crime rate would drop. - John

11. I have been deeply saddened by the different horrible situation of abuse. Stories of different offenses, Domestic Assaults on children, wives, girlfriends, mostly female. An eye-opener. Very good experience. Everyone needs to hear or take pat in a class like this one. Avoid the situations, communicate, speak my feelings, take counseling classes. I've learned a lot of tools and just about myself. It's not the other person, it's about me. It's not the other person that makes me angry, it's
myself. - Leland

Domestic Violence: Recognize the Patterns and Seek Help

Recognizing Abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:

* Controls finances, so you have to ask for money
* Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
* Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful
* Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what you wear
* Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions
* Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
* Scares you by driving recklessly
* Threatens to kill him or herself

You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:

* Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon
* Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will
* Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
* Prevents you from going to work or school
* Stops you from seeing family members and friends
* Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets
* Destroys your property
* Controls your access to medicines
* Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
* Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it
* Tries to force you to drop charges
* Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

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Children of Domestic Violence

I listened to some of the survivors tonight and realized that there are a few key subjects that concern these victims even though it has been years since they were victimized by their abuser. I think the biggest concern was that their children may carry on the cycle of abuse. ONce you realize you are being abused, gut out of the situation and get counseling for you and your children, and maybe the cycle can be broken.

The second thing the victims had problems getting over was the fact that their home should have been a safe place and instead it was worse than living on the street and the fact that physical wounds heal but injuries to the soul never heal.

-Lila

Hidden Triggers of Domestic Violence

I listened to some survivors tonight and I learned that you, as a victim or offender, can turn your life around. You need to find the hidden triggers. Try to avoid them, work through them and communicate with the other person. Be honest with the other person so you can work things out. Things will never be perfect but you must keep working on it so the cycle will be broken.

-JoAnn

Working with Victims of Domestic Violence

In all of my work with people who have survived violence, and especially domestic violence, I have learned that people are always affected negatively. The symptoms may not display immediately but they will come to the surface. People generally want to see one another as good and caring but when someone harms you it is devastating. To control and confront the fact that someone harmed you, and in order to hold on to the perception that the person who harmed you is still a good person, victims often turn inward and display self-destructive tendencies. While this is a very common reaction it is wrong. If you have been harmed by someone you are not a bad person, you are not at fault. This does not relieve all responsibility, but none deserve to be physically or mentally abused regardless of their past actions.

Whenever I think of abuse and the affect that it has upon victims I always turn to a young girl that I knew. I met her while she was in a treatment center. She was between 13 and 15 years of age but she had been so abused mentally, physically, and sexually tha she had reverted to a personality that was no older than five years of age. This transformation was so complete that she talked in a voice that would belong to a five year old. She no longer had any concept of moral behavior, and she intentionally acted in a way to provoke aggressive behavior from the staff. I do realize that this girl was an extreme case, but the fact still remains that she had done nothing in her life that merited being abused in the way that she was.

One of the best resources that abuse survivors have are other survivors. You are not alone in the world. The best way to let your abuser win is let them destroy your life by keeping all of the poison trapped inside. If you will talk with others about your experiences and listen to theirs, then you will be able to achieve a better life and obtain peace.

-Ammon

Domestic Violence - Why Doesn't She Just Leave?

Why Doesn't She Just Leave?
[Opinion] Why women stay with violent men

And now, there are rumors that Brown and Rihanna are getting back together.

So, why do women stay with men that beat, choke or threaten them? It’s a complicated question with a myriad of reasons.
1) The women fell in love with these men. The men’s abusive tendencies were not apparent at first. Abuse is often a gradual process. Initially, these men might act jealous and controlling. They might then make strikes at the woman’s self-esteem. Self-esteem protects us -- if we feel good about ourselves, we won’t let anybody harm us. Tear down that self-esteem with insults and humiliation and we begin to feel worthless. With our defenses down, we can be hurt.

2) Once the relationship develops, there are usually shared resources: pets, homes, friends, and so forth. It is not easy to walk away from these resources, yet women that flee violent homes often do just that: flee with only the shirts on their backs.

3) The woman is dependent on the man. She may be financially, emotionally or sexually dependent. The man might encourage dependency by not allowing the woman to work and by not allowing her access to his money.

4) Children are involved. The man might threaten to take custody of the children and, frighteningly enough, he might get them. The Leadership Council on Child Abuse estimates that more than 50,000 children are placed with parents that physically or sexually abused them. He may also threaten to kill the children. Most mass murders occur at home -- not at the office or at school.

5) Nobody will believe her. People often ask “what did she do to make him mad?” as if she instigated the abuse. They may trivialize the violence and call it “frivolous.” They may call her a “false accuser,” which for women is a stereotype that has had branding power.

6) He is charming. He makes promises to her to get help. He may tell her that he will never do it again. He buys her flowers and “makes it up to her.” This charming aspect of his personality is why she fell in love with him in the first place and it is often the reason why he appears so “normal” and “nice” in court while she looks emotional and unfit.

7) He may threaten her life. The riskiest time of all for a woman in an abusive situation is when she leaves. This is the time when most murders occur.

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Domestic Violence: What the Police Can Do For You -

What the police can do for you depends in part on what you tell them or give them, and on what other people are willing or able to tell them. Officers investigating your case should talk to you privately, and they should also interview children, other family members, and neighbors who might have seen or heard what happened. Among other things, officers will be looking for:

* Evidence of harm or injury to you or your children (for example, cuts, bruises, swelling or torn clothing);
* Damage to furniture, walls, windows, car or other personal property;
Signs of a break-in;
*Threatening messages on your answering machine, or letters or written messages containing threats.

If you call the police, they must come to investigate your complaint. The police should talk to you and the abuser separately and, if at all possible, should talk with you out of your abuser's sight and hearing. In order for the police to make a decision to arrest, they need to find what is called probable cause that a crime was committed. That means that they must have enough evidence to believe that the person committed a crime by harming or threatening you. This evidence can be a combination of things - any injuries you may have, your statement of what happened, taped 911 calls or emergency calls to police, damaged property, torn clothes or any statements of neighbors, children or other family members.

What you say counts as evidence, so the statement you give to the police is very important. Read your statement carefully and if there is anything in it that is incorrect, don't sign it. Ask the officers to change the written statement so that it matches what actually happened. Sign it only when it says what you want it to say. Police are required to give you a copy of the investigating officer's report whether or not an arrest is made, so be sure to get one. You can ask to add to it later it you remember something you forgot to tell them, and you can add photographs of bruises and copies of medical reports, if you get them.

If the police find that your abuser committed a felony against you, they must make an arrest. Felonies are the most serious crimes that can be charged. An example of a felony in a domestic violence case would be Assault in the Second Degree, a charge that could be made if the assault resulted in serious physical injury like a broken bone, or a wound from a weapon, and created "substantial pain" that lasted over a period of time. Usually, the injuries from a felony level assault require medical attention and/or hospital care.

If the police find that a Family Offense misdemeanor has been committed against you, state law requires arrest unless you ask the police not to arrest. (The law also says that the police are not allowed to ask you whether they should make an arrest.) Even if you ask that an arrest not be made, many police departments will still make an arrest if they have evidence of a crime. An example of a misdemeanor is Assault in the Third Degree, which also requires an injury (more than a bruise) and substantial pain. Another example of a misdemeanor is Aggravated Harassment, which is when you are threatened or harassed over the telephone or by mail.

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A Horrific Crime of Domestic Violence

A Horrific Crime

"Every 15 seconds, a woman is beaten by her husband or partner in the United States.* Yvette Cade never thought she'd be included in this statistic…then she married Roger Hargrave.

When Yvette first met Hargrave, she says he always smiled and had a "great personality." As a single parent raising a young daughter, she says she also admired the care and concern he showed for his son from a previous relationship. Yvette soon married Hargrave, but their happiness began to fade after only a few months.

Carol Bryant, Yvette's aunt and the one who introduced the couple, says Hargrave started drinking a lot after the wedding and then began verbally abusing her niece. "You couldn't even call their home without having to listen to him in the background making vulgar remarks and screaming and hollering," Carol says.

Yvette's family feared that Hargrave's erratic behavior would turn violent. Within months, their fears became a frightening reality." Hargrave's insults soon escalated into physical abuse, Yvette says. At first, she says she wore long sleeves to hide the bruises and dark sunglasses to shield her black eyes from her family. "I thought that he loved me, and I just thought that these are problems that we can work through," Yvette says. "I was blind."

After her family realized what was happening, Carol says they advised Yvette to leave her husband. Hargrave finally moved out and the two separated…but Yvette says her estranged husband continued to torment her and her daughter. "I felt like a prisoner in my own home," she says.

In July 2005, Yvette got a protective order against Hargrave. Two months later, Hargrave asked the court to lift the order, claiming he and Yvette would attend marriage counseling. Despite Yvette's desperate pleas and pictures documenting the physical abuse she suffered, the judge, Richard Palumbo, dismissed Yvette's case and lifted the protective order. He later said it was a clerical error. He has since retired.

On the morning of October 10, 2005, just three weeks after Yvette's protective order was lifted, Hargrave showed up at the cell phone store where his wife worked. Yvette was busy helping customers when, suddenly, Hargrave began pouring clear liquid from a soda bottle onto her head and upper body.

Yvette says she was so focused on not causing a commotion in front of the customers, she didn't realize she was covered in gasoline. As Yvette ran out the back door into the parking lot, Hargrave followed her. "He caught me, grabbed me, and I felt something on my back," Yvette says. "The next thing I know, I was on fire."

Frantically, Yvette ran back into the store covered in flames. "I just went to the sink, and I began to hose my face, and I remember thinking to myself that my face was melting," she says.

When help arrived, Yvette was rushed to the emergency room. Hargrave was arrested and charged with attempted murder.

Yvette spent several months in the hospital and endured 17 surgeries before returning home. Today, she continues to struggle with extreme physical pain and the emotional shock of being burned alive. The burnt skin on Yvette's arms has contracted, making it difficult for her to move them. Lack of mobility makes everyday tasks like brushing teeth and getting dressed extremely difficult.

Yvette's ears melted during the attack and she lost an earlobe. To prevent scar tissue from forming on her face, she wears a plastic face mask 23 hours a day. She also has to wear pressure garments—tight clothes that keep the skin from becoming bumpy. Some days, Yvette says it's just too painful to get the garments over her arms.

Despite the scars, Yvette maintains a positive attitude about her new appearance. "I don't care what people think when they look at my face," she says. "I know what it feels like to be pretty, so if they don't like it, that's too bad."

Yvette says that while she was enduring Hargrave's verbal and physical abuse, she felt embarrassed, ashamed and guilty—most of all for exposing her young daughter to the situation. "Children are innocent, and they don't deserve to see those images," Yvette says.

"So often what happens is you see this happening in your own family and you say, 'I will never be this kind of woman,'" Oprah says. "Then she grows up and she ends up with somebody who does the same thing to her, because that's what she knows."

Yvette hopes that by telling her story on The Oprah Winfrey Show, her daughter will learn from her mistakes and be less likely to fall victim to abuse...

...Only months after being burned alive, Yvette's progress has surprised doctors. She was told to expect six to eight months of recovery time in the hospital, but she made it home in three.

Hargrave, found guilty on three counts—first-degree attempted murder, second-degree attempted murder and first-degree assault—was sentenced to life in prison. He is appealing the conviction. Does Yvette have anything she wants to tell the man accused of burning her alive? "If you don't have anything good to say," Yvette says, "don't say anything at all."

If you are involved in an abusive relationship, Oprah says it's no accident you're hearing Yvette's story. "This is a message to you today to do something about it—to let her life be an example for your life, to take her strength and her bravery and her courage and allow you to have the same."

Find original article here.

I Admitted It... Domestic Violence in My Life

I Admitted It...

The following interview portrays a womans knowledge on domestic violence. Here, a twenty one year old woman shares her life experience now with strength...

Danielle: How was the beginning of your relationship? Was it somewhat on a normal basis?

Joanna: It was better than normal, almost perfect I would say. He had put forth much, if not all desire to have me while I was running the other way. I made him desire me, thinking it was right at the time. With all the attenion and promises he would declare, all I thought about was knowing I would be sure to have someone love me forever.

Danielle: How far into the relationhip was it before it became physical and what triggered the abuse?

Joanna: About seven months into the realtionship I found him becoming very demanding and dominatng. He would show a jealous side to him where he would demand total respect from my friends and myself putting his self into the center of attention, only that of what a weak man would show. A coward, of course!

Danielle: How did he handle his anger? Was it mental, physical or both?

Joanna: It was mostly physical anger, through insecurities and with self-frustration that I believe he took out on me feeling as if he was tryingto discipline me to have me become a "stronger" woman. Although it was both mental and physical, I was being brainwashed into thinking that what was happening or going to happen was the way it was "supposedto be." I was ripped apart by being slapped in the face, punched in the head, kicked in the ribs, and even more painful being whipped with phone cords a belt and even choked with a cable wire. Sometimes there is no measure to the pain endured during physical abuse but many women feel when their other is mentally abuseing them it has alot to do with thir physical status or by their professional status, but within my story, it was, it was not like that. My mental abuse was based on my social status, leveling our cultural background.

Danielle: Why did you allow the abuse to contine without breaking away after the first time it occurred? Are you still enduring the abuse?

Joanna: Sometimes a bad man is like a bad dream that just will not go away. The way we fall asleep we fall in love, the way we dream we scream. Love is blind. We have to wake up...eventually, right? I stopped dreaming.

Danielle: Do you presently come in contact with him? And if so, do you allow him to take advantage of you?

Joanna: I do speak to him today because i feel he makes me a stronger person. I know! I know! Your wondering? Well, I see it this way; if you experinece something in life, which you are able to overcome, you should be willing to speak about it and how you survived it. Never regret anything you do in life, because the things that you regret are the things that make you a stronger person today. With all that has happened to me there is no greater feeling in the world being granted the chance to measure the value of true love.

Danielle: What advice can you give to abused individuals around the world?

Joanna: A persons body is a gift no ther should take over. You as a person having personally experienced abuse know it has been more challening than ever alone trying not to focus on the physical pain but the mental strength it has brought you up until this day. From my first encounter of abuse in shock and stability, the pain has run dry. Women have to be able to understand you must overcome what others do to you and understand nobody is better than another in this world.

Danielle: What advice would you give to those that have never been in an abused relationship, who might one day encounter it?

Joanna: There are so many women that have experienced abuse and so many that know someone who has been involved domestic abuse that I hope they would learn from others mistakes. But the advice I would give them is to make sure you know the person you are with, pay attention to certain signs and when you notice those signs get out no matter what.

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Get Me Out of Domestic Violence - I Cannot Breathe

GET ME OUT....... I CANNOT BREATHE

WOMEN DON'T STAY BECAUSE THEY WANT TO PUT UP WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

SOMETIMES THEY STAY BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO AND THERE ARE MANY REASONS FOR EACH INDIVUAL CASE WHY THEY DO IT.
DON'T BE JUDGEMENTAL UNTIL YOU KNOW THE FULL STORY.
THREATS ARE VERY REAL !

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A Warning List for Domestic Violence

What is Abuse? - A Warning List

People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.__Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.__If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;
0. pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
0. threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
0. threatening suicide to get you to do something
0. using or threatening to use a weapon against you
0. keeping or taking your paycheck
0. puts you down or makes you feel bad
0. forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
0. keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!__Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help

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A Real Man Doesn't Commit Domestic Violence

Let Us Be Men

"Years ago, when my brothers and I were boys, our mother had radical cancer surgery. She came very close to death. Much of the tissue in her neck and shoulder had to be removed, and for a long time it was very painful for her to use her right arm.

One morning about a year after the surgery, my father took Mother to an appliance store and asked the manager to show her how to use a machine he had for ironing clothes. The machine was called an Ironrite. It was operated from a chair by pressing pedals with one's knees to lower a padded roller against a heated metal surface and turn the roller, feeding in shirts, pants, dresses, and other articles. You can see that this would make ironing (of which there was a great deal in our family of five boys) much easier, especially for a woman with limited use of her arm. Mother was shocked when Dad told the manager they would buy the machine and then paid cash for it. Despite my father's good income as a veterinarian, Mother's surgery and medications had left them in a difficult financial situation.

On the way home, my mother was upset: How can we afford it? Where did the money come from? How will we get along now?Finally Dad told her that he had gone without lunches for nearly a year to save enough money. Now when you iron, he said, you won't have to stop and go into the bedroom and cry until the pain in your arm stops. She didn't know he knew about that. I was not aware of my father's sacrifice and act of love for my mother at the time, but now that I know, I say to myself, There is a man."

-Elder D. Todd Christofferson

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Comments from Perpetrators of Domestic Violence

1. Pain comes in many ways and I have given a lot to my wife, and I regret it. -Michael
2. I feel like this DVD helps a lot. I have a baby and that phone call on the introduction of the movie gave me chills all over my body and the picture of the baby that got beaten up and killed. Just made me realize a lot of stuff. –Blanca
3. I feel touched and moved by the stories that the speakers have told and I appreciate their time. I also feel that this has helped me in my situation, and has helped me think, calm down, and just talk. –Damian
4. I feel touched. I know my actions were wrong. From being a victim myself, I can not believe I harmed another person. –Billie Sue
5. Me pareció muy bien porque aprendí que en vez de llevar violencia a la casa es major llevar amor y confianza para la familia. –Efrain

Poem for victims of Domestic Violence

You are the trip I did not take;_
You are the pearls I cannot buy;_
You are my blue Italian lake;_
You are my piece of foreign sky.

("To My Child," quoted in Charles L. Wallis, ed., The Treasure Chest [1965], 54.)