Domestic Violence - Why Doesn't She Just Leave?

Why Doesn't She Just Leave?
[Opinion] Why women stay with violent men

And now, there are rumors that Brown and Rihanna are getting back together.

So, why do women stay with men that beat, choke or threaten them? It’s a complicated question with a myriad of reasons.
1) The women fell in love with these men. The men’s abusive tendencies were not apparent at first. Abuse is often a gradual process. Initially, these men might act jealous and controlling. They might then make strikes at the woman’s self-esteem. Self-esteem protects us -- if we feel good about ourselves, we won’t let anybody harm us. Tear down that self-esteem with insults and humiliation and we begin to feel worthless. With our defenses down, we can be hurt.

2) Once the relationship develops, there are usually shared resources: pets, homes, friends, and so forth. It is not easy to walk away from these resources, yet women that flee violent homes often do just that: flee with only the shirts on their backs.

3) The woman is dependent on the man. She may be financially, emotionally or sexually dependent. The man might encourage dependency by not allowing the woman to work and by not allowing her access to his money.

4) Children are involved. The man might threaten to take custody of the children and, frighteningly enough, he might get them. The Leadership Council on Child Abuse estimates that more than 50,000 children are placed with parents that physically or sexually abused them. He may also threaten to kill the children. Most mass murders occur at home -- not at the office or at school.

5) Nobody will believe her. People often ask “what did she do to make him mad?” as if she instigated the abuse. They may trivialize the violence and call it “frivolous.” They may call her a “false accuser,” which for women is a stereotype that has had branding power.

6) He is charming. He makes promises to her to get help. He may tell her that he will never do it again. He buys her flowers and “makes it up to her.” This charming aspect of his personality is why she fell in love with him in the first place and it is often the reason why he appears so “normal” and “nice” in court while she looks emotional and unfit.

7) He may threaten her life. The riskiest time of all for a woman in an abusive situation is when she leaves. This is the time when most murders occur.

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