Motherhood

Joseph F. Smith once said “I have learned to place a high estimate upon the love of mother. I have often said, and will repeat it, that the love of a true mother comes nearer being like the love of God than any other kind of love.”

Sheri Dew once told a story. “One summer four teenage nieces and I shared a tense Sunday evening when we set out walking from a downtown hotel in a large US city where we were visiting to a nearby chapel where I had been invited to speak at a fireside. I had walked that exact route many times before, but that evening as we left our hotel we suddenly found ourselves engulfed by an enormous crowd of rowdy, drunken parade-goers who were streaming out of the city toward the suburbs. Though police were everywhere, it was obviously no place for four teenage girls-or their aunt. But with the streets closed to traffic, and therefore no cabs available, we had no choice but to keep walking. Feeling no small amount of anxiety, I turned toward the girls, gathered them around me, and shouted over the crowd. “Stay right with me, Don’t take your eyes off me.” With that, I began to maneuver my way through the crush of humanity, constantly looking behind me to make sure the girls were right there. The only thing on my mind was my niece’s safety. There were moments when I truly feared we would not make it to the church in one piece. Drunken men with boa constrictors draped around their necks and adolescents brandishing weapons sometimes blocked our way. It was intimidating, to say the least.
Though our walk took twice as long as it should have, we finally made it to the chapel. But for 90 unnerving minutes, I better understood how mothers feel who forgo their own safety to protect their children. My siblings had entrusted me with their daughters, whom I dearly love, and I would have done just about anything to protect them and to lead them safely to our destination.
In a similar fashion, our Father has entrusted us, His daughters, with His children, and He has asked us not only to love them but to help lead them safely through the crush of mortal humanity and past the dangers of this world back home.
Satan has declared war on motherhood and on the family. He does everything he can to dishonor and devalue both womanhood and motherhood. He well knows that those who rock the cradle are perhaps in the best possible position to rock his diabolical earthly empire. He knows that none of us could progress without receiving bodies and experiencing our second estate. He understands that without mothers who are willing to bear children, our Father’s plan would be completely frustrated. He knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the rising generation, the kingdom of God will fail.
When we understand the magnitude of Mothers, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred and divinely appointed role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity and to, in effect, limit it to that definition, in the Lord’s language the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words or titles they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living” – and they did so before she ever bore a child. “And Adam called his wife’s name Eve because she was the mother of all living; for thus have I, the Lord God, called the first of all women, which are man”
Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly and definitely that. It is the essence of who we are as women. Motherhood defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature and the unique traits, talents and tendencies our Father gave us.
Elder Matthew Cowley taught that “men have to have something given to them in mortality to make them saviors of men, but not mothers, not women. They are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls, and the regenerating force in the lives of God’s children.”
Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with the privilege of priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave woman an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. President Boyd K. Packer taught, “The obligations of motherhood are never-ending. The addition of such duties as those which attend ordination to the priesthood would constitute an intrusion into, an interruption to, perhaps the avoidance of, that crucial contribution which only a mother can provide. The limitation of priesthood responsibilities to men is a tribute to the incomparable place of women in the plan of salvation. Men and women have complementary, no competing responsibilities. There is difference but no inequity. In the woman’s part, she is not equal to man; she is superior! She can do that which he can never do; not in all eternity can he do it”
As daughters of our HF, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility and the privilege to love and to help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like- meaning what we wear, watch ,and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men, on the other hand, learn to value women of God if we don’t show them the virtue of our virtues? If we don’t show them what kind of women will help them find the greatest joy and fulfillment in their lives, who will? One of the single most significant responsibilities for a latter-day woman of God- regardless of her personal circumstances- is to help love and lead the younger generation. If we don’t mentor them, no one will.
Pres. Thomas S. Monson recalled a letter that a young mother wrote to him: “Sometimes I wonder if I make a difference in my children’s lives. Especially as a single mother working two jobs to make ends meet, I sometimes come home to confusion, but I never give up hope..”
“My children and I were watching a television broadcast of general conference, and you were speaking about prayer. My son made the statement, ‘Mother, you’ve already taught us that.’ I said, ‘What do you mean?’ And he replied, ‘Well, you’ve taught us to pray and showed us how, but the other night I came to your room to ask something and found you on your knees praying to Heavenly Father. If He’s important to you, He’ll be important to me.’ ” The letter concluded, “I guess you never know what kind of influence you’ll be until a child observes you doing yourself what you have tried to teach him to do.” What a magnificent lesson a child learned from his mother.
Mothers are not only great examples, but they are comforters. After the horrifying event of Sept. 11, 2001, US First Lady Laura Bush was asked to recount what she did during those initial minutes after she heard about the terrorist attack. “I called my children immediately to reassure them” she said, adding “and then I called my own mother, just for the comfort of her voice.”
Last week, my older sister asked Derek and I to stay with her 4 children for 9 days while her and her husband went on vacation. We agreed without hesitation and without any idea what we were agreeing to. Toward the end of the week there was a time where I felt very overwhelmed and frustrated when dealing with my 3 year old niece. Whatever I was doing, it wasn’t working for her. My first reaction was to call my Mom and ask her advice. After talking with her for several minutes, I felt reassured and comforted in what I was doing, enough so that I felt I could move forward and last a few more days with the kids.


A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?”
“Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.”
The child further inquired, “But tell me, here in heaven I don’t have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.”
God said, “Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel’s love and be very happy.”
Again the child asked, “And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don’t know the language?”
God said, “Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.”
“And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?”
God said, “Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.”
“Who will protect me?”
God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it’s life.”
“But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.”
God said, “Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.”
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, “God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.”
“You will simply call her, ‘Mom.’”

As you know, I am a fairly new Mom. My only child is less than a year old. Becoming a mother and feeling the love that a mother has for her child has been eye opening to me. Throughout all of my single years, I have always maintained the “Favorite Aunt” title amongst my nieces and nephews. That is a title that I cherish and hold dear to my heart. I love all of my nieces and nephews, but becoming a mother has shown me that I never fully understood the love of a mother. I love my daughter with all my heart and I would absolutely do anything for her. I hurt when she hurts, I cry when she cries, I laugh when she laughs, I smile when she smiles. I love to watch her learn and grow. I am a proud parent to say the least. As I have felt this love for my daughter, I have begun to realize the love my mother has for me. I often find myself pondering how much my mother must love me, and I never completely understood that. I also often contemplate the love our Heavenly mother has for us. The feelings of love, excitement, pain, sorrow, and happiness she must feel watching us go through this earthly life. The concern she must have felt letting each one of us leave her side and her protection to come to Earth and receive a body, and to face Satan and temptation without her. I think she must pray that each Mother here on earth will love their children, protect them and care for them as much as she would.

Joseph F. Smith once said, “A wife may love her husband, but it is different to that of the love of mother to her child. The true mother, the mother who has the fear of God and the love of truth in her soul, would never hide from danger or evil and leave her child exposed to it. But as natural as it is for the sparks to fly upward, as natural as it is to breathe the breath of life, if there were danger coming to her child, she would step between the child and that danger; she would defend her child to the uttermost. Her life would be nothing in the balance, in comparison with the life of her child. That is the love of true motherhood for children.”

Since Kilee was born, I have often said that, a perfect world would be that each child is loved as much as Derek and I love her.

David O McKay once said-
“Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother’s image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child’s mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world. True, there comes a time when Father takes his place as exemplar and hero of the growing boy; and in the latter’s budding ambition to develop manly traits, he outwardly seems to turn from the more gentle and tender virtues engendered by his mother. Yet that ever-directing and restraining influence implanted during the first years of his childhood linger with him and permeate his thoughts and memory as distinctively as perfume clings to each particular flower.”

President Benson has offered 10 specific suggestions for Mothers as they guide their precious children.
1. Take time to always be at the crossroads in the lives of your children, whether they be six or sixteen.
2. Take time to be a real friend to your children
3. Take time to read to your children. Remember what the poet wrote:
You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels & Coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be-
I had a mother who read to me
4. Take time to pray with your children
5. Take time to have meaningful weekly home evening.
6. Take time to be together at mealtimes as often as possible
7. Take time daily to read the scriptures together as a family.
8. Take time to do things together as a family.
9. Take time to teach your children.
10. Take time to truly love your children. A Mother’s unqualified love approaches Christlike love.

As I read those 10 suggestions, I noticed that every single one of them started with the words “Take Time” How important it is that we give of our time to spend it with our children.

I would just like to leave you with one final poem.
The holiest words my tongue can frame,
The noblest thoughts my soul can claim,
Unworthy are to praise the name
More precious than all other.
An infant, when her love first came,
A man, I find it still the same
Reverently I breathe her name,
The blessed name of mother.

Talk given by Tawna White on Mothers Day, 2009

Linda's story of Domestic Violence

My name is Linda and I started having a bad life at 18. I met what I thought was a wonderful man. He was one of my bosses from work. He was so kind to me at fist. We would spend lovely times together just having fun. I seemed important to him; at least I thought I was.

After we were dating for about 2.5 months I found out I was pregnant and I wanted no more children. I already had a son and I was too young for him but another would have been havoc. So I told Joe that I wanted to terminate the pregnancy and that is when it all started.

He kept me home and fired me from my job. For the 1st time he hit me right across the face because I said I was leaving him. He dragged me into the dept. store and said we are going shopping so stop crying like a baby. He acted like it was nothing and I knew it was wrong but I did as I was told. I was 18 and he was 31. I thought an older man would be better for me but I was wrong!

The hitting became beatings almost every day. Even though I was pregnant, he did not care. He said, "If you were a good girl I wouldn't have to discipline you so much." I hated hearing that. Be a good girl- that was screwed up ya' know?

For the full story, click here

Current Efforts and Some Encouragement

This is an update on our ongoing efforts to provide the visitors to this site with pertinent and helpful information so as to support and reinforce the efforts of many of you to stop being a victim and instead, evolve into survivors of Domestic Violence.

Since beginning this site, we have literally reviewed hundreds of web sites on the topic of Domestic Violence. We have done this for two reasons: 1. to bring you the most current information, ideas, and experiences of others that might be in your situation, so that you can find this site to be an on-going source of inspiration as you go through the healing process, and 2. to "prime the pump" so to speak, in an effort to encourage you to communicate with one another and begin an on-going dialog of your experiences and feelings, in an effort to help one another heal.

As we look at, and review the available websites, we find that these take the approach of providing data and statistics, or they give a basic information, such as defining DV or telling us how to recognize it, or what steps to take when we encounter it. There are lots of sites that are "hot lines" that give us many links for help. There are lots of sites that are oriented to their local area and which offer help, shelter, etc., in that local area. These are all well intentioned, good, important, and helpful sites. And in addition, there's lots of horror stories to read. But after awhile one gets tired of reading the same things over and over again.

We will continue to fulfill our stated goal of trying to identify and bring you the very best of these sites so that you can be guided to this type of help without having to spend days and weeks sorting through the thousands of sites available.

This site however, is unique, in that it is the only one we have seen that is trying to be a place where all of you can come with the sole purpose of communicating with one another, and thereby providing each other with the support, encouragement, understanding, ideas, etc., that can only come from those that, "have been there", or are "currently there".

There is real power in victims and survivors communicating with one another. There is healing that can and will take place in no other way. JTS cannot do this for you. I haven't been where you are, or have been. You must be willing to share with one another. Tell us your stories, make comments to others, ask questions and read the answers.

We hope you will forgive the periods of time that goes by between posts. We are doing our best to find and give you links to worthwhile sites and information. Our hope is that you will catch the vision of this site and begin to talk to one another on a regular and frequent basis with your comments to each individual post, or by using the open forum located at the top of the right hand column and just communicate in general, ask questions and react to whatever is going on in your lives. Then read what others have to say and consider the advise they may have for you.

Again, we hope this site will be of value to you in your quest to either help yourself, help others, or both. Also, any suggestions you have for us are always welcome.

JTS

Perpetrators Comments to a Victim Impact Panel Experience

I was very impressed with all who spoke tonight. I felt inspired to choose to control my anger and react in a better way for everyone in my life. - Gregg

This class was a wonderful and great experience. I learned a lot from others stories. Especially that I have children... I'll put my deep effort to avoid any kind of incident in the future. - Maohmmd

I really got more out of this experience than I expected. I would like to thank you for the chance to hear from others what quick choices and anger unabated has changed their lives. - Brian

This experience was realy painful, emotional. It realy hurt me cuz I went through bad times also & I feel bad for the victims here. It was a realy good experience. It made me think twice about what I do. I'm glad I got sent here from the Judge. It realy made me open my eyes alot & about what I & my spouse went through. People need to hear what other people went through & they need to know what could happen. - Sonya

It really opened my eye's. I will not lose control and will remove myself before it would happen. - Kenneth

This was a very good experience. It is surprising to see how common of a thing that this is. Domestic Violence is a very horrible thing. - Randy

It makes you aware of how serious Domestic Violence can get! So you might stop and think of what your actions can lead to! - Danielle

Domestic Violence - All Because of Drinking Alcohol and Being Stupid

Jim the Coroner explains:

"He’s drinking, continually drinking; the baby’s in the next room crying. He starts yelling at the mother, ‘you’ve got to do something with that kid, to shut the kid up.’ Remember, he’s getting stupid and he’s short fused because he’s been drinking so much. He drinks more, the kid’s crying. He finally tells the ‘ol lady, ‘I’m going in and get that kid to quit crying.’ The baby quits crying. The baby is either beaten or shaken to death.”

More: There is more to this case, and many other stories that can be found on the DVD entitled, “A Course Correction for Life”.

Domestic Violence: Are You Being Abused?

Women with a history of family violence, sexual assault or incest, or physical abuse from a male partner are at increased risk of being in an abusive relationship. Disagreements and arguments, even heated ones, are part of a normal relationship. Physical violence or other abusive behavior is not. Everyone has a right to get angry. But no one has the right to express anger violently, to hurt you.

Does your partner ever frighten you with threats of violence or by throwing things when he is angry? Say it is your fault if he hits you? Promise it will not happen again, but it does? Put you down in public or keep you from contacting family or friends? Force you to have sex when you do not want to?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be involved in an abusive relationship. If so, you are not alone and you have choices. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

To read the entire article, click here.

Domestic Violence and its Effect on Children

How does domestic violence affect children?

Children are traumatized by witnessing violence in their family. The children in these homes are at high risk of being battered themselves by either the batterer or the victim. In addition, the long-term effects of witnessing such violence can create a cycle of violence that spans generations. We know that many men who are abusive witnessed their mothers being abused and many were victims of physical abuse themselves. We also know that women who come from a family in which they witnessed their mother being battered are more susceptible to developing what is called "battered women's syndrome." Such women may come to believe there is nothing they can do to get out of an abusive relationship. Both men and women who come from abusive homes may come to view the violence they have witnessed as normal, and carry it into their own relationships as adults.

To read the entire article, click here.

"I Want to Share My History"

My name is Agustina and I want to share my history.

I came from a humble family. They taught us about right and wrong very well, but we were very sheltered from what the real world was. I’m the 5th of 13 brothers and sisters I was used to being told what to do and what not to do. I got married at the age of 18, and of course being very naïve I gave control of my life to my husband. Since the beginning it was verbal diminishing and lots of disapproval of the things I did. No matter what I did it was not good enough.

I got pregnant right away. Because I did not have a baby girl he didn’t like that I had a boy. I loved him very much, but he didn’t. I felt totally a failure, how come he isn't happy to have a son? As far as I know every man would be excited to have a son, but not this man. I struggled with this, and 3 years later I had a daughter. He was very happy, that’s what I thought. Then I got pregnant again and it was another daughter. But this time he was not happy at all. He often said I don’t care about those two, I only love my first daughter. He was doing things to her that did not feel normal to me. He loved to touch her in her private areas, as well as my son, but my son always got upset and said, "I don’t like him touching me". My husband argued that I was going to make the baby gay and he also gave him alcohol and of course the baby cried. So I was constantly fighting with him about those things, and his reply was, ho! "It's because you are ignorant and from a village you do not know anything".

I worked in my own home. We had our own business. We had a little factory with 22 industrial machines and we did pants, than was our specialty, and we where good at it. I knew how to do a complete pair of pants, but in his eyes I didn't know anything. The sad thing was that I believed him. I felt that a piece of trash in the street was worth more than I was.

I got to the point of frustration and desperation, such that I considered taking my life, and the only thing that stopped me was my children. I could not trust him with them, so I felt I needed to leave, for them. One day I made a decision to leave him because I could not take it anymore. I did not feel strong enough to stay close by, so I went to the village from where I came. I went to talk with my father and he told me that if I really want to leave, go to USA. "Here in the Rancho there is nothing for you to do. How are you going to support your children?"

The rest is history. My father helped me with the money, with only one condition, that I will tell my husband about what I was going to do. I did, but he just laughed. He did not believe that I had the will to do anything and I did not have the confidence either. But my desperation was bigger. He warned me that he was not going to take me back, so he said, "think twice". I did not think. I only left. I don't regret it.

The thing that I struggle with to this day is my low self-esteem. This is something that no matter what, is a struggle. I'm 50 years old and much of my unhappiness and disappointments are because of the strong abuse that I accepted like that was the truth. It has affected me in many areas of my life. I’m married again but I’m not happy because I have not accomplish the things that I wanted to do. I have many issues that I still need to work on.

My recommendation to all of you is get help. The sooner the better. A lot of things could have been solved, if only someone would have told me there is a better way. I would certainly recommend the program. Get help! There is a way. - Agustina

"My Life with Domestic Violence"

Here is my story. I hope it helps other victims. I am very honored to do this.

Hello my name is Adriana and I have been a victim of Domestic Violence several times. Here’s my story.

It all started when I met Ronald, I lived with roommates while me and Ronald were dating. He moved in with me and things were good till one day when I got home from work. Ronald was upset about something and would not talk to me, he yelled at me and when I would yell at him, he would slap me in the face or arm. When I tried to run he would slam me against a wall with his hand around my neck.

All I could think was that he was going to kill me so I begged him to stop; he let go of me and left. We talked and he said he wouldn’t do it again. I believed him. A couple months went by and the hitting started up again, so I decided the only way to get him to stop was call the police. He would get arrested and blame me that is my fault time after time. Ronald would get released and he would tell me that he would change, I believed him. A month would go by and then the hitting would start again. I tried so hard to just keep the hitting and punishing to myself without the police but I was told he would keep doing it if I didn’t stop it.

The very last time that Ronald hit me, I called the police and he was taken to jail, he got sentenced to 6 months in jail with a No Contact Order. So there was no way for us to talk. So I went on believing that it was my fault he was in jail and that I should have never called the police.

My roommate beat me violently. I thought my world was over and I got depressed and blamed myself for being beat and I believed that I deserved it.

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant; I went to the judge and asked for him to release the no contact order. The Judge said that Ronald needed to learn his lesson that hitting and beating me wasn’t going to happen ever again, that I needed to look out for the safety of me and my child.

I lost my apartment and moved in with Ronald’s parents. Through the whole pregnancy Ronald was in jail and the judge would not release him. Ronald got out four weeks after our daughter was born and seemed to have changed. We talked and it came to the point that Ronald wasn’t taking his medication and that he had anger issues. He said that he was sorry and I said that I could not forgive him; he had to prove to me that he has changed. We got married on August 25, 2007.

Ever since Ronald got released from jail, Ronald has changed so much. He has taken the Victim’s Impact Panel; he went to counseling and is taking his medication on a regular basis. He has not raised his hand or his voice at me or any one else. Ronald is calmer now; he has been able to channel his anger to drawing or going for walks or talking with someone. Our relationship is much stronger and we are able to deal with life’s hard ships.

We have grown to trust each other and I know that I will never have to be a victim of Domestic violence again. The Victim’s Impact Panel has helped Ronald with recognizing what he did in the past and what he can do differently and has inspired him to talk to others to try and help them. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. You have helped Ronald and us in every way, now we would like to help.

There is always someone to help when it comes to Domestic Violence please don’t be afraid to get help if you are the abuser or the victim, get help!!! It will help in the long run!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Adriana

One of the Best Resources for Survivors

One of the best resources that abuse survivors have are other survivors. You are not alone in the world. The best way to let your abuser win is let them destroy your life by keeping all of the poison trapped inside. If you will talk with others about your experiences and listen to theirs, then you will be able to achieve a better life and obtain peace. -Ammon

Survivor's Stories Shocking

I listened to some survivors tonight, and their stories were shocking and very real. After many years of abuse, the victims seemed to have a considerable amount of emotional and/or mental scarring as a result of past experiences with being abused by their spouses. Even after several years had gone by, they still had a very clear picture of what they went through and how it may affect them for the remainder of their lives. Getting away from the situation seems to somewhat dull the pain and agony but being abused is probably something they will never forget. The cycle of abuse goes on and on for many years without being noticed by anyone outside of the home unless the victim seeks help from police or other agencies within the community. these women describe that the abuser makes them feel betrayed, manipulated, and under total control of their spouse. The victims are often isolated within their homes and not able to leave or have any form of contact with society. The victims describe that the bruises can heal but their soul does not. Many factors can trigger the abuse and cause the abuser to become violent and outraged enough to use deadly force, raise their voice, and even use weapons to inflict pain onto the victim. Anyone can be involved in abusive relationships, whether they come from a wealthy or poor background. Violence has no prejudices. It can happen to men. It can happen to women. Violence can happen to anyone. - Justin

Survivors of Domestic Violence

Survivors of Abuse

If you've ever been screamed at, humiliated, hit—or know someone who has—you're not alone. Every year, 1 out of every 4 women in America is abused by her partner.

When Susan married her longtime boyfriend, Ulner, in 1989, she never imagined that she'd be included in that statistic. They dated for years before walking down the aisle, and although she says Ulner was overprotective and controlling at times, she says she believed he was the love of her life.

Once they were married, she says things began to escalate at home. Susan says her husband abused her verbally and psychologically nearly every day of their marriage…even when their three children were present. Often, Susan says Ulner made audio recordings of his tirades so that he could listen to them later...

One Sunday afternoon in 2003, Susan says her husband became enraged when she asked him if she could fix him a sandwich for lunch. He went in search of his audio recorder to tape his verbal assault. When he couldn't find it, Susan says he chose the next best thing—a video camera.

Ulner ordered his oldest son, who was 13 years old at the time, to record his tirade. What resulted was 51 minutes of horrifying footage. Susan says her oldest son operated the camera, while her 8-year-old son sat in the room, watching the abuse unfold.

During the first 40 minutes of the video, Ulner screams insults at his wife of 14 years and threatens her with physical violence.

"You play those stupid games with me, I'll knock your teeth out of your face. … I'm going to knock your head across that wall," he tells Susan as their sons look on.

At first, Susan stands silently in the room with her head bowed. Looking back, she says she was trying to come up with a way to calm her husband down. "My mind was racing to find the right answer—to find the answer that was going to make him happy for that second, to appease him so he wouldn't start hitting," she says.

Nothing she says works. Ulner punches, kicks and slaps his wife repeatedly during the final 10 minutes of the video. As he throws her around the room, he demands Susan's obedience. "You've been taught what to say to me, heifer," he says. "You follow what I say to the T."

In all, he calls her "stupid" 23 times and "heifer" 28 times in less than an hour...

The same day the video was shot, Susan made a fateful decision. As she was sitting in a room with her oldest son, her husband gestured toward her. "He looked at my son and he said, 'You see, that. That's the road you're headed down if you don't straighten up,'" Susan says.

With that comment, she says she came to the realization that Ulner could possibly end up killing her. So Susan made the decision to leave...

As Susan fled with her sons, Ulner called her repeatedly, trying to track her down. Police recorded the phone calls to document his violent threats. In one he screamed at her, "If you don't bring my son home, I'm going to kill you, heifer."

After years of abusing his wife, Ulner was finally arrested. At trial, Ulner's behavior shocked the prosecutor, Lisa Bloch Rodwin. "I've never seen such arrogance," she says. "He was making eye contact with the female jurors and trying to look like he was king of the world and that he could control them the way he controlled everybody else. … When he was interviewed by the probation department, he blamed Susan for putting him in this position. But the judge said to him, 'You still don't get it. You have destroyed these children. You have destroyed this woman.'"

In her closing arguments, Lisa played the videotape for the jury one more time. "What I said to the jury is, 'He keeps saying, I have to teach you.' And I asked the jury to teach him."

They did, finding Ulner guilty of 12 counts of assault and two counts of endangering the welfare of a child. The judge sentenced him to 36 years in prison—reportedly the longest sentence ever given for this kind of domestic violence. He's not eligible for parole until 2022...

Abuse comes in many forms—yet it does not have to be as physically violent as this videotape to still be destructive. Sometimes the abuse is emotional control and isolation from family and friends. Other times, it consists of name-calling and humiliation, economic control or threats of violence.

Recognizing the signs of abuse—especially in instances where physical violence is not involved—is not easy, sometimes even for those being abused. Learn the signs of domestic abuse.

If you think you or someone you know is being abused, it's important to tell someone before it's too late.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE to find help in your area.

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Suspect Abuse? How You Can Help.

The only way to know for sure if someone you know is being abused is to ask. One of the common myths about battered women is that they don't want to talk about their victimization. While many do make efforts to hide the battering, they often do so because they fear being embarrassed, their partner finding out, being blamed, not being believed, or being pressured to do something they're not ready or able to do.

What you should do:

Believe her.
And let her know that you do. If you know her partner, remember that batterers most often behave differently in public than they do in private.

Listen to what she tells you.
If you actively listen, ask clarifying questions and avoid making judgments and giving advice. You will most likely learn directly from her what it is she needs.

Build on her strengths.
Actively identify the ways in which she has developed coping strategies, solved problems and exhibited courage and determination, even if her efforts have not been completely successful. Help her to build on these strengths.

Validate her feelings.
It is common for women to have conflicting feelings—love and fear; guilt and anger; hope and sadness. Let her know that her feelings are normal and reasonable.

Avoid victim-blaming.
Tell her that the abuse is not her fault. Reinforce that the abuse is her partner's problem and his responsibility. However, refrain from "bad-mouthing" him.

Take her fears seriously.
If you are concerned about her safety, express your concern without judgment. Simply say, "Your situation sounds dangerous and I'm concerned about your safety."

Offer help.
When it's appropriate, offer specific forms of help and information. If she asks you to do something you're willing and able to do, do it. If you can't or don't want to, say so and help her identify other ways to have that need met.

Be an active, creative partner in her safety-planning effort.
The key to planning is to take the problem, consider the full range of available options, evaluate the risks and benefits of different options, and identify ways to reduce the risks.

Support her decisions.
Remember that there are risks attached to every decision a battered woman makes. If you truly want to be helpful, be patient and respectful of her decisions.

What you should not do:

If you think a woman you know is being abused, don't wait for her to come to you. If she does confide in you, don't judge or blame her or her decisions—even if you don't agree with them. Don't pressure her into acting if she's not ready. Don't offer advice if it's not appropriate, and don't put conditions on your support of her.

*Information from the New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, www.opdv.state.ny.us. Copyright © NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence.

Abuser Reactions after a DV "Victim Impact Panel"

1. I kind of knew what to expect upon coming to this panel but I didn't realize how it would effect me. My offense may have been the start of abuse. None-the-less I saw the correlation. I will make the choice to not only refrain from being physical but also by avoiding "vengeance" or "getting even". - Eric

2. It has been very helpful. I really feel bad for some of the speakers, especially the 2 ladies. It must be difficult for them to have the courage and strength to talk about their experiences in public and I really appreciate their time here with us tonight. It makes me want to cry, just the fact that my wife had to deal with this and that I couldn't stop myself from yelling at here. Now I can see the consequences this can have down the road if I don't learn to control the way I react when I'm mad. Thank you for this class. I vow to be a loving and giving husband and Dad. No yelling anymore. - Carlos

3. At first it was strange. But seeing the Chief Coroner, boy that was something to think about. - Luis

4. All the stories help put a lot of things in perspective. Hearing the changes people have made helps me to believe everybody can change. Having zero tolerance for abuse. Not putting myself in a vulnerable position where I may abuse anybody. - Ralph

5. It's really an eye opener. As everyone was speaking I looked around & even the Hard-Asses in the room were in awe. I think that was really brave & at the same time hard for the speakers. I learned respect for all of them. Get professional help. I don't want to hurt anyone in anger, let alone someone innocent. - Kevin

6. I feel like I've been quenched of my thirst for anger. I never thought listening could show me who I was. Read. Keep myself from repeating my problem. - Joey

7. Overall I would say the experience was very interesting as a whole. It was an intense presentation that really touched multiple points in Domestic Violence incidents. I feel that Domestic Violence is a shocking thing when you really look at many of the things that happen. I will remove myself from situations that may be triggers. I will try to be more empathetic. I will put the things that I truly value in life before anything else. - Matthew

8. I am here for a DUI. However, being a prior victim of Domestic Violence for 5 years, it was an awesome experience. Never get into a vehicle after drinking and never drink more than two alcoholic beverages. - Tiffany

9. Me & my girlfriend were fighting cause of something stupid & I got mad & I hit her. Then I hit her again. Then I went to jail for 6 months. I wish it never happened. Walking away from her when we fight about stupid stuff. - Ron

10. Very moved. I could relate to one of the speakers' stories very well. I realize now that even the smallest incidents of violence can escalate. Now that I am recovering from alcohol abuse, it would be a privilege for me to share my story at a VIP. I believe if there are more of these panel classes, the violent crime rate would drop. - John

11. I have been deeply saddened by the different horrible situation of abuse. Stories of different offenses, Domestic Assaults on children, wives, girlfriends, mostly female. An eye-opener. Very good experience. Everyone needs to hear or take pat in a class like this one. Avoid the situations, communicate, speak my feelings, take counseling classes. I've learned a lot of tools and just about myself. It's not the other person, it's about me. It's not the other person that makes me angry, it's
myself. - Leland

Domestic Violence: Recognize the Patterns and Seek Help

Recognizing Abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:

* Controls finances, so you have to ask for money
* Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
* Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful
* Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what you wear
* Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions
* Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
* Scares you by driving recklessly
* Threatens to kill him or herself

You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:

* Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon
* Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will
* Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
* Prevents you from going to work or school
* Stops you from seeing family members and friends
* Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets
* Destroys your property
* Controls your access to medicines
* Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
* Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it
* Tries to force you to drop charges
* Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

To go to the original article, click here

Children of Domestic Violence

I listened to some of the survivors tonight and realized that there are a few key subjects that concern these victims even though it has been years since they were victimized by their abuser. I think the biggest concern was that their children may carry on the cycle of abuse. ONce you realize you are being abused, gut out of the situation and get counseling for you and your children, and maybe the cycle can be broken.

The second thing the victims had problems getting over was the fact that their home should have been a safe place and instead it was worse than living on the street and the fact that physical wounds heal but injuries to the soul never heal.

-Lila

Hidden Triggers of Domestic Violence

I listened to some survivors tonight and I learned that you, as a victim or offender, can turn your life around. You need to find the hidden triggers. Try to avoid them, work through them and communicate with the other person. Be honest with the other person so you can work things out. Things will never be perfect but you must keep working on it so the cycle will be broken.

-JoAnn

Working with Victims of Domestic Violence

In all of my work with people who have survived violence, and especially domestic violence, I have learned that people are always affected negatively. The symptoms may not display immediately but they will come to the surface. People generally want to see one another as good and caring but when someone harms you it is devastating. To control and confront the fact that someone harmed you, and in order to hold on to the perception that the person who harmed you is still a good person, victims often turn inward and display self-destructive tendencies. While this is a very common reaction it is wrong. If you have been harmed by someone you are not a bad person, you are not at fault. This does not relieve all responsibility, but none deserve to be physically or mentally abused regardless of their past actions.

Whenever I think of abuse and the affect that it has upon victims I always turn to a young girl that I knew. I met her while she was in a treatment center. She was between 13 and 15 years of age but she had been so abused mentally, physically, and sexually tha she had reverted to a personality that was no older than five years of age. This transformation was so complete that she talked in a voice that would belong to a five year old. She no longer had any concept of moral behavior, and she intentionally acted in a way to provoke aggressive behavior from the staff. I do realize that this girl was an extreme case, but the fact still remains that she had done nothing in her life that merited being abused in the way that she was.

One of the best resources that abuse survivors have are other survivors. You are not alone in the world. The best way to let your abuser win is let them destroy your life by keeping all of the poison trapped inside. If you will talk with others about your experiences and listen to theirs, then you will be able to achieve a better life and obtain peace.

-Ammon

Domestic Violence - Why Doesn't She Just Leave?

Why Doesn't She Just Leave?
[Opinion] Why women stay with violent men

And now, there are rumors that Brown and Rihanna are getting back together.

So, why do women stay with men that beat, choke or threaten them? It’s a complicated question with a myriad of reasons.
1) The women fell in love with these men. The men’s abusive tendencies were not apparent at first. Abuse is often a gradual process. Initially, these men might act jealous and controlling. They might then make strikes at the woman’s self-esteem. Self-esteem protects us -- if we feel good about ourselves, we won’t let anybody harm us. Tear down that self-esteem with insults and humiliation and we begin to feel worthless. With our defenses down, we can be hurt.

2) Once the relationship develops, there are usually shared resources: pets, homes, friends, and so forth. It is not easy to walk away from these resources, yet women that flee violent homes often do just that: flee with only the shirts on their backs.

3) The woman is dependent on the man. She may be financially, emotionally or sexually dependent. The man might encourage dependency by not allowing the woman to work and by not allowing her access to his money.

4) Children are involved. The man might threaten to take custody of the children and, frighteningly enough, he might get them. The Leadership Council on Child Abuse estimates that more than 50,000 children are placed with parents that physically or sexually abused them. He may also threaten to kill the children. Most mass murders occur at home -- not at the office or at school.

5) Nobody will believe her. People often ask “what did she do to make him mad?” as if she instigated the abuse. They may trivialize the violence and call it “frivolous.” They may call her a “false accuser,” which for women is a stereotype that has had branding power.

6) He is charming. He makes promises to her to get help. He may tell her that he will never do it again. He buys her flowers and “makes it up to her.” This charming aspect of his personality is why she fell in love with him in the first place and it is often the reason why he appears so “normal” and “nice” in court while she looks emotional and unfit.

7) He may threaten her life. The riskiest time of all for a woman in an abusive situation is when she leaves. This is the time when most murders occur.

To go to the original article, click here

Domestic Violence: What the Police Can Do For You -

What the police can do for you depends in part on what you tell them or give them, and on what other people are willing or able to tell them. Officers investigating your case should talk to you privately, and they should also interview children, other family members, and neighbors who might have seen or heard what happened. Among other things, officers will be looking for:

* Evidence of harm or injury to you or your children (for example, cuts, bruises, swelling or torn clothing);
* Damage to furniture, walls, windows, car or other personal property;
Signs of a break-in;
*Threatening messages on your answering machine, or letters or written messages containing threats.

If you call the police, they must come to investigate your complaint. The police should talk to you and the abuser separately and, if at all possible, should talk with you out of your abuser's sight and hearing. In order for the police to make a decision to arrest, they need to find what is called probable cause that a crime was committed. That means that they must have enough evidence to believe that the person committed a crime by harming or threatening you. This evidence can be a combination of things - any injuries you may have, your statement of what happened, taped 911 calls or emergency calls to police, damaged property, torn clothes or any statements of neighbors, children or other family members.

What you say counts as evidence, so the statement you give to the police is very important. Read your statement carefully and if there is anything in it that is incorrect, don't sign it. Ask the officers to change the written statement so that it matches what actually happened. Sign it only when it says what you want it to say. Police are required to give you a copy of the investigating officer's report whether or not an arrest is made, so be sure to get one. You can ask to add to it later it you remember something you forgot to tell them, and you can add photographs of bruises and copies of medical reports, if you get them.

If the police find that your abuser committed a felony against you, they must make an arrest. Felonies are the most serious crimes that can be charged. An example of a felony in a domestic violence case would be Assault in the Second Degree, a charge that could be made if the assault resulted in serious physical injury like a broken bone, or a wound from a weapon, and created "substantial pain" that lasted over a period of time. Usually, the injuries from a felony level assault require medical attention and/or hospital care.

If the police find that a Family Offense misdemeanor has been committed against you, state law requires arrest unless you ask the police not to arrest. (The law also says that the police are not allowed to ask you whether they should make an arrest.) Even if you ask that an arrest not be made, many police departments will still make an arrest if they have evidence of a crime. An example of a misdemeanor is Assault in the Third Degree, which also requires an injury (more than a bruise) and substantial pain. Another example of a misdemeanor is Aggravated Harassment, which is when you are threatened or harassed over the telephone or by mail.

To go to the original article, click here

A Horrific Crime of Domestic Violence

A Horrific Crime

"Every 15 seconds, a woman is beaten by her husband or partner in the United States.* Yvette Cade never thought she'd be included in this statistic…then she married Roger Hargrave.

When Yvette first met Hargrave, she says he always smiled and had a "great personality." As a single parent raising a young daughter, she says she also admired the care and concern he showed for his son from a previous relationship. Yvette soon married Hargrave, but their happiness began to fade after only a few months.

Carol Bryant, Yvette's aunt and the one who introduced the couple, says Hargrave started drinking a lot after the wedding and then began verbally abusing her niece. "You couldn't even call their home without having to listen to him in the background making vulgar remarks and screaming and hollering," Carol says.

Yvette's family feared that Hargrave's erratic behavior would turn violent. Within months, their fears became a frightening reality." Hargrave's insults soon escalated into physical abuse, Yvette says. At first, she says she wore long sleeves to hide the bruises and dark sunglasses to shield her black eyes from her family. "I thought that he loved me, and I just thought that these are problems that we can work through," Yvette says. "I was blind."

After her family realized what was happening, Carol says they advised Yvette to leave her husband. Hargrave finally moved out and the two separated…but Yvette says her estranged husband continued to torment her and her daughter. "I felt like a prisoner in my own home," she says.

In July 2005, Yvette got a protective order against Hargrave. Two months later, Hargrave asked the court to lift the order, claiming he and Yvette would attend marriage counseling. Despite Yvette's desperate pleas and pictures documenting the physical abuse she suffered, the judge, Richard Palumbo, dismissed Yvette's case and lifted the protective order. He later said it was a clerical error. He has since retired.

On the morning of October 10, 2005, just three weeks after Yvette's protective order was lifted, Hargrave showed up at the cell phone store where his wife worked. Yvette was busy helping customers when, suddenly, Hargrave began pouring clear liquid from a soda bottle onto her head and upper body.

Yvette says she was so focused on not causing a commotion in front of the customers, she didn't realize she was covered in gasoline. As Yvette ran out the back door into the parking lot, Hargrave followed her. "He caught me, grabbed me, and I felt something on my back," Yvette says. "The next thing I know, I was on fire."

Frantically, Yvette ran back into the store covered in flames. "I just went to the sink, and I began to hose my face, and I remember thinking to myself that my face was melting," she says.

When help arrived, Yvette was rushed to the emergency room. Hargrave was arrested and charged with attempted murder.

Yvette spent several months in the hospital and endured 17 surgeries before returning home. Today, she continues to struggle with extreme physical pain and the emotional shock of being burned alive. The burnt skin on Yvette's arms has contracted, making it difficult for her to move them. Lack of mobility makes everyday tasks like brushing teeth and getting dressed extremely difficult.

Yvette's ears melted during the attack and she lost an earlobe. To prevent scar tissue from forming on her face, she wears a plastic face mask 23 hours a day. She also has to wear pressure garments—tight clothes that keep the skin from becoming bumpy. Some days, Yvette says it's just too painful to get the garments over her arms.

Despite the scars, Yvette maintains a positive attitude about her new appearance. "I don't care what people think when they look at my face," she says. "I know what it feels like to be pretty, so if they don't like it, that's too bad."

Yvette says that while she was enduring Hargrave's verbal and physical abuse, she felt embarrassed, ashamed and guilty—most of all for exposing her young daughter to the situation. "Children are innocent, and they don't deserve to see those images," Yvette says.

"So often what happens is you see this happening in your own family and you say, 'I will never be this kind of woman,'" Oprah says. "Then she grows up and she ends up with somebody who does the same thing to her, because that's what she knows."

Yvette hopes that by telling her story on The Oprah Winfrey Show, her daughter will learn from her mistakes and be less likely to fall victim to abuse...

...Only months after being burned alive, Yvette's progress has surprised doctors. She was told to expect six to eight months of recovery time in the hospital, but she made it home in three.

Hargrave, found guilty on three counts—first-degree attempted murder, second-degree attempted murder and first-degree assault—was sentenced to life in prison. He is appealing the conviction. Does Yvette have anything she wants to tell the man accused of burning her alive? "If you don't have anything good to say," Yvette says, "don't say anything at all."

If you are involved in an abusive relationship, Oprah says it's no accident you're hearing Yvette's story. "This is a message to you today to do something about it—to let her life be an example for your life, to take her strength and her bravery and her courage and allow you to have the same."

Find original article here.

I Admitted It... Domestic Violence in My Life

I Admitted It...

The following interview portrays a womans knowledge on domestic violence. Here, a twenty one year old woman shares her life experience now with strength...

Danielle: How was the beginning of your relationship? Was it somewhat on a normal basis?

Joanna: It was better than normal, almost perfect I would say. He had put forth much, if not all desire to have me while I was running the other way. I made him desire me, thinking it was right at the time. With all the attenion and promises he would declare, all I thought about was knowing I would be sure to have someone love me forever.

Danielle: How far into the relationhip was it before it became physical and what triggered the abuse?

Joanna: About seven months into the realtionship I found him becoming very demanding and dominatng. He would show a jealous side to him where he would demand total respect from my friends and myself putting his self into the center of attention, only that of what a weak man would show. A coward, of course!

Danielle: How did he handle his anger? Was it mental, physical or both?

Joanna: It was mostly physical anger, through insecurities and with self-frustration that I believe he took out on me feeling as if he was tryingto discipline me to have me become a "stronger" woman. Although it was both mental and physical, I was being brainwashed into thinking that what was happening or going to happen was the way it was "supposedto be." I was ripped apart by being slapped in the face, punched in the head, kicked in the ribs, and even more painful being whipped with phone cords a belt and even choked with a cable wire. Sometimes there is no measure to the pain endured during physical abuse but many women feel when their other is mentally abuseing them it has alot to do with thir physical status or by their professional status, but within my story, it was, it was not like that. My mental abuse was based on my social status, leveling our cultural background.

Danielle: Why did you allow the abuse to contine without breaking away after the first time it occurred? Are you still enduring the abuse?

Joanna: Sometimes a bad man is like a bad dream that just will not go away. The way we fall asleep we fall in love, the way we dream we scream. Love is blind. We have to wake up...eventually, right? I stopped dreaming.

Danielle: Do you presently come in contact with him? And if so, do you allow him to take advantage of you?

Joanna: I do speak to him today because i feel he makes me a stronger person. I know! I know! Your wondering? Well, I see it this way; if you experinece something in life, which you are able to overcome, you should be willing to speak about it and how you survived it. Never regret anything you do in life, because the things that you regret are the things that make you a stronger person today. With all that has happened to me there is no greater feeling in the world being granted the chance to measure the value of true love.

Danielle: What advice can you give to abused individuals around the world?

Joanna: A persons body is a gift no ther should take over. You as a person having personally experienced abuse know it has been more challening than ever alone trying not to focus on the physical pain but the mental strength it has brought you up until this day. From my first encounter of abuse in shock and stability, the pain has run dry. Women have to be able to understand you must overcome what others do to you and understand nobody is better than another in this world.

Danielle: What advice would you give to those that have never been in an abused relationship, who might one day encounter it?

Joanna: There are so many women that have experienced abuse and so many that know someone who has been involved domestic abuse that I hope they would learn from others mistakes. But the advice I would give them is to make sure you know the person you are with, pay attention to certain signs and when you notice those signs get out no matter what.

To go to the original article, click here

Get Me Out of Domestic Violence - I Cannot Breathe

GET ME OUT....... I CANNOT BREATHE

WOMEN DON'T STAY BECAUSE THEY WANT TO PUT UP WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

SOMETIMES THEY STAY BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO AND THERE ARE MANY REASONS FOR EACH INDIVUAL CASE WHY THEY DO IT.
DON'T BE JUDGEMENTAL UNTIL YOU KNOW THE FULL STORY.
THREATS ARE VERY REAL !

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A Warning List for Domestic Violence

What is Abuse? - A Warning List

People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.__Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.__If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;
0. pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
0. threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
0. threatening suicide to get you to do something
0. using or threatening to use a weapon against you
0. keeping or taking your paycheck
0. puts you down or makes you feel bad
0. forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
0. keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!__Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help

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A Real Man Doesn't Commit Domestic Violence

Let Us Be Men

"Years ago, when my brothers and I were boys, our mother had radical cancer surgery. She came very close to death. Much of the tissue in her neck and shoulder had to be removed, and for a long time it was very painful for her to use her right arm.

One morning about a year after the surgery, my father took Mother to an appliance store and asked the manager to show her how to use a machine he had for ironing clothes. The machine was called an Ironrite. It was operated from a chair by pressing pedals with one's knees to lower a padded roller against a heated metal surface and turn the roller, feeding in shirts, pants, dresses, and other articles. You can see that this would make ironing (of which there was a great deal in our family of five boys) much easier, especially for a woman with limited use of her arm. Mother was shocked when Dad told the manager they would buy the machine and then paid cash for it. Despite my father's good income as a veterinarian, Mother's surgery and medications had left them in a difficult financial situation.

On the way home, my mother was upset: How can we afford it? Where did the money come from? How will we get along now?Finally Dad told her that he had gone without lunches for nearly a year to save enough money. Now when you iron, he said, you won't have to stop and go into the bedroom and cry until the pain in your arm stops. She didn't know he knew about that. I was not aware of my father's sacrifice and act of love for my mother at the time, but now that I know, I say to myself, There is a man."

-Elder D. Todd Christofferson

To link back to the original article click here

Comments from Perpetrators of Domestic Violence

1. Pain comes in many ways and I have given a lot to my wife, and I regret it. -Michael
2. I feel like this DVD helps a lot. I have a baby and that phone call on the introduction of the movie gave me chills all over my body and the picture of the baby that got beaten up and killed. Just made me realize a lot of stuff. –Blanca
3. I feel touched and moved by the stories that the speakers have told and I appreciate their time. I also feel that this has helped me in my situation, and has helped me think, calm down, and just talk. –Damian
4. I feel touched. I know my actions were wrong. From being a victim myself, I can not believe I harmed another person. –Billie Sue
5. Me pareció muy bien porque aprendí que en vez de llevar violencia a la casa es major llevar amor y confianza para la familia. –Efrain

Poem for victims of Domestic Violence

You are the trip I did not take;_
You are the pearls I cannot buy;_
You are my blue Italian lake;_
You are my piece of foreign sky.

("To My Child," quoted in Charles L. Wallis, ed., The Treasure Chest [1965], 54.)

Gwen's Story of Spousal Abuse

I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years. To this day it still affects me.

At first it started out, I was very young; my husband, now my ex-husband, he wanted to know everything I did, everybody I talked to, where I went, what I wore, everything. At first it was very flattering. It was emotional abuse at first, but I saw it as flattering. There was somebody that cared for me so much, to care about every little thing that I did.

And then, it soon turned into an obsession and incredible possessiveness. I couldn’t go anywhere, do anything, or say anything. I was always wrong. It got to the point where he would follow me, he would question me. If the boy sacking my groceries at the grocery store said something to me, he took that as a come-on to me, but it was my fault.

I was accused of flirting with everybody, having relations with friends, with family members, and I soon realized that it was his insecurity that did this. But I stayed, because I loved him. I loved him so much, and I wanted him to change. That’s all I wanted. We had children. I wanted him to change for me, for my children, and for himself.

This went on, the emotional abuse. You can’t even begin to realize what emotional abuse does to a person. You have no scars. You have no bruises. You have nothing to show for it. But you’re totally humiliated, you feel worthless, you cannot do anything right, and you’re afraid to move.

So, this became physical abuse. I don’t know what triggered that. Still, to this day I don’t know, and I still try to figure that out. And the physical abuse, there wasn’t really any pattern to it. I could be walking across the floor, and find myself up against the wall in a choke hold. I remember one night; I was sitting writing a letter to a friend. I didn’t like what I wrote, I tore the sheet of paper up and I wadded it up and I tossed it on the couch. I got beat up for that.

I got beat up for not doing things right, for not saying things right, and yet I stayed. I stayed because I loved him. Because I wanted him to change. But I also felt like it was my fault. He made me believe it was my fault. I did something to deserve everything that I got. And I stayed for 15 years.

He started going after the kids. I stepped in front; I would rather take the beating, than have my kids take the beating. But at the same time they were being beat up mentally and emotionally as well. They saw their mom; they were too young to do anything about it. My daughter who was two years old at the time, spent many a night, outside of my bedroom door crying, begging, please mom, come out, please, please come out. I would be held there for sometimes over an hour for punishment, for what, I don’t know, I don’t think he even knew.

He went after my son. He was in the process of throwing him down the stairs. I stepped in. I got the kids situated, and I got the beating of my life. It lasted about three hours. I was basically held hostage in my bedroom. I could not get up. I could not move. I could not say anything. At that point I knew I had to do something.
I did not have a job, I didn’t work, I didn’t have money. This was the scariest time in my whole entire life. I didn’t want to leave. Did not want to leave. But I knew that I had to, for my children. More so for them, than for me.

I went to counseling; he did agree to go with me. When we met with the counselor, he said, ‘oh, there’s no problem, she’s making it all up.’ I pulled up my sleeves and I showed them my bruises, and at that time they separated us. I was scared. I thought I was going to get a beating for that, because I would be accused of doing something wrong.

He didn’t continue to go to counseling. I did. And through counseling I realized a lot of things. One of the things I realized was the effect on children. When they told me, ‘your son will grow up to abuse women, and your daughter will grow up to find a man who abuses her; because that is all they know. I knew then, that I had to leave.”

More: There is more to Gwen's story, and many other DV survivors, that can be found on the DVD entitled, “A Course Correction for Life”.

What Can I Do To Be Safe from Domestic Violence?

Call the police!

If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, you can call 911 or your local police. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.

Consider the following:
* If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
* They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
* They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
* They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.
* When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
* If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.
* If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.
* The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
* The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
* Get the officers' names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
* A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.

Get Support From Friends and Family

Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has happened.

Find a Safe Place

It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.

Get Medical Help

If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support. You may ask medical staff to call one for you. Medical records can be important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.

Special Medical Concerns
* Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.
* What seems like a small injury could be a big one.
* If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
* Domestic violence victims can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
* Memory loss
* Dizziness
* Problems with eyesight
* Throwing-up
* Headache that will not go away

Get a Personal Protection Order

See Personal Protection Order.

Make a Safety Plan

Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. See Personalized Safety Plan.

To link back to the original article, click here

The Definition of Domestic Violence

To even attempt to survive domestic abuse, we must first know what domestic abuse is. This definition helps us to understand exactly what domestic abuse is, as well as helps us to understand that domestic violence often occurs in many forms.

"Domestic violence (also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, or intimate partner violence) occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, or spousal abuse but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures; people of all races, ethnicity's, religions, sexes and classes can be perpetrators of domestic violence. Domestic violence is perpetrated by both men and women.

Domestic violence has many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation, and threats of violence. Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence. There are a number of dimensions including:

Mode: physical, psychological, sexual and/or social.

Frequency: on/off, occasional and chronic.

Severity: in terms of both psychological or physical harm and the need for treatment.

Transitory or permanent injury: mild, moderate, severe and up to homicide.

An important component of domestic violence, often ignored is the realm of passive abuse, leading to violence. Passive abuse is covert, subtle and veiled. This includes victimization, procrastination, forgetfulness, ambiguity, neglect, spiritual and intellectual abuse.

Recent attention to domestic violence began in the women's movement, particularly feminism and women's rights, in the 1970s, as concern about wives being beaten by their husbands gained attention. Awareness and documentation of domestic violence differs from country to country. Estimates are that only about a third of cases of domestic violence are actually reported in the United States and the United Kingdom. According to the Centers for Disease Control, domestic violence is a serious, preventable public health problem affecting more than 32 million Americans, or more than 10% of the U.S. population.

Popular emphasis has tended to be on women as the victims of domestic violence. However, with the rise of the men's movement, and particularly masculism and men's rights, there is now advocacy for men victimized by women. In a special report on violence related injuries by the US Department of justice (in August 1997) hospital emergency room visits pertaining to domestic violence indicated that physically abused men represent just under one-sixth of the total patients admitted to hospital reporting domestic violence as the cause of their injuries (see table 7 of this report).

To link back to the original article click *here*.

DVD: A Course Correction for Life...

If you have ever been a victim of violence, or know someone who has, you know that they frequently blame themselves. Their lives are forever colored with the thoughts of being a victim and struggling to overcome that image.

You are not alone! You can stop being a victim! You can begin the healing process and take control of your lives now!

Watch, and listen to victims and also professional people in the community talk about their personal experiences with this problem, and learn how you can overcome it.

We have drawn together victims of Family Violence, also professional people such as, a County Coroner, victim advocates, etc, that either have personal or close vicarious experience with the problems and disastrous results of violence. These people speak at “Victim Impact Panel” presentations to live audiences of people involved with Domestic Violence. Each of these panel members tells their own personal story of their sufferings and how they overcame them.

For a sample of what the Coroner has to say, click here.

For a sample of what Gwen has to say, click here.

This panel experience is now available on DVD. One hour and forty minutes of pure emotions, tears, some graphic images, and solutions, stories, experiences, ideas, suggestions, and insights… all that will help you and/or your friends begin the healing process, and help you find a new and better life.

This is a powerful emotional experience... it changes lives! If you have ever been a victim… or know someone who has, please, do yourself (and/or a friend) a favor and order this DVD now!

"A Course Correction for Life"

Quantity

1 DVD $19.95 2 DVDs ($17.48 each) $34.96 3 DVDs ($16.32 each) $48.96 4 DVDs ($14.95 each) $59.80

Welcome!

One of the best resources that survivors of abuse have, are other survivors. You are not alone in the world. The best way to let your abuser win is to let them destroy your life by keeping all of the poison trapped inside. If you will communicate with others about your experiences, and listen to theirs, then you will be able to achieve a better life and obtain peace.

The real heart of this site will be your own stories of personal heartache... and success. Tell us your stories, from front to back. Tell us about your tough times, the struggles you have had, yes, and even the horror stories. Then, most important of all, tell us about your successes at moving from being a victim... to becoming a survivor. How did you do this? What steps did you take? What would you recommend for the others that visit this site?

It is in this process of sharing with each other that you will begin to heal and feel better, and we will all gain and become better people... better able to deal with the situations each of us face on a daily basis.

In addition to your comments and responses to each other, our staff will be available to respond to your feelings, comments and questions. If you have questions that require the opinion of a professional (attorney, victim advocate, medical, etc.), we will do our best to have an appropriate professional response within 48 hours.

There is no cost for the use of this blog. We only ask that you use it, share your stories, and respond with support, kindness, suggestions, etc., to the others that share their stories.

PLEASE SHARE YOUR STORY OR QUESTIONS BY CLICKING survivedvnow@gmail.com.

Also, at the end of each post, there is a link entitled, "comments". If you would like to respond and/or share your reaction to any article, story, or post, simply click on the appropriate "comments" link. You can also read any/all of those comments by clicking on those same links. If you like, you can even respond to the responses.

So, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and read the posts. Then, take time to write your own story and send it along to us where it can be used to help other victims/survivors looking for someone like you to help them. Someone who understands.